Crucianize

Tag: Social Anxiety

  • Oyanie’s 1st day at Crèche

    Oyanie’s 1st day at Crèche

    The time had come at last for Oyanie to go to Crèche, we visited on Monday to have a little tour and for Oyanie to meet some of the staff.

    It’s not a big crèche which I find suits my personality, smaller and more intimate makes it not as anxiety provoking.

    As usual I’m only following half of the conversation because I still have trouble with spoken French, from what I gathered I was to bring her on Tuesday for a little trial run. I was immediately drenched in despair, we’ve only walked to the crèche once and that was months ago, I didn’t remember how to get there. I looked at Google maps but the route was unfamiliar and I don’t do well in unfamiliar places. I get lost easily even in my own neighborhood if I don’t see familiar buildings. Another thing that bothered me is that my husband didn’t tell the staff that I was situationally non verbal, telling people I don’t speak French makes them assume I can speak which unfortunately isn’t always the case. I can manage a bonjour but that’s it.

    I went to sleep wracked with anxiety and dread, we had agreed that I would take her in the afternoon since mornings are not so good good me. I barely slept, I woke up extremely tired and shaking, my hands trembled even though I was in my own home alone with my child, I didn’t eat anything, I couldn’t, I fed Oyanie, got her ready and I sat and tried to find a route to the crèche from home that would be familiar to me. I spent hours looking at the map using the steps feature, I left my house virtually at least 20 times and thought maybe, I can do this. I was not confident but I was going to try.

    This isn’t a picture from yesterday, I forgot to take one but I love this picture and feel it portrays how she acted.

    It was time, we left home and walked down our route but looking at Google and actually walking are two completely different things, I ended up lost and far away from where we should be. I didn’t recognize the area at all and to be honest, I was friggin scared, I had no one to ask and even if there was someone I couldn’t ask them anything. I just stood there looking at my Google map and trying to figure out how to get to the crèche or how to get back home. I tried to turn around and retrace my steps but that was difficult given that I didn’t even know where I was. I was fighting back tears and pushing the stroller hoping to see something familiar. Finally I got to a street I recognized and as quickly as I could went back home.

    I broke down, I cried and I cried, I felt like a complete failure, I’m 35 years old and I can’t even do this, I forgot to mention that I did text my husband and told him I was lost and he asked me to show him where I was but I couldn’t do anything other than get back home at that moment. I didn’t feel safe, I was overwhelmed and lost and too many things and emotions were swirling at that moment. I replied once I was no longer crying and told him I was home. He tried to help me find the crèche but telling me something is on the right is like telling me a mathematical equation, I don’t know what right and left is, I can’t give or follow directions. I don’t know what south, east, north, or west is. I know my limitations and I know that feeling me to turn right here and then left there is just going to be me getting lost again.

    I only take one route to school because it’s the only route I know, I don’t go an adventures alone because I know I will get lost, I need reliable routes that I recognize so I can stick to my routine otherwise nothing makes sense to me.

    I know most people won’t get it and that’s fine because I know there are those who will get it and will understand.

    So today, I might not have made it to my destination but I wasn’t a failure, I attempted something I never did before, I made it out of the house and I put myself into a position that I should have never had to be in but I survived.

    At the end we decided to try again tomorrow, my husband told me an easier route, my son would be home with me, and I felt a little better about the situation.

    I didn’t look at the map this time, there was no need, my husband explained it and I knew what I had to do, I had a new routine and I felt comfortable, we left the house and this time we made it to the crèche.

    We’re not supposed to arrive early which is something I always do because I hate getting somewhere late. We had to wait until they opened the gate which was aggravating for me because that meant I was losing time that I hadn’t accounted for. Once they opened the gate and let us in I took Oyanie out of her stroller and brought her inside the building. We took off her coat, gave her her doudou and said goodbye.

    She didn’t even look back, didn’t cry, didn’t make a fuss, just left to go play with her new friends.

    Naveen and I started the walk back home and it takes us about 29 minutes so we had only a few minutes to sit before we had to go pick up Oyanie again.

    This time she did cry, she screamed and threw a fit because she didn’t want to leave, she wanted to stay and play with her new friends. I was happy for her, she always want to play with the little kids at the school and now she has her own friends to play with.

    They asked her if she wanted to come back the next day and stay for longer and she said yes. So now I’m going to take her back on Thursday to stay for two hours.

  • The Selective Mutism Resource Manuel: 2nd Edition and my Thoughts

    So, a couple of days ago I started reading this book because it was suggested in one of my Selective Mutism groups. It’s mostly aimed at parents but I feel like adults who suffer from SM can find it useful as well.

    https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33127004-the-selective-mutism-resource-manual

    I’m not finished reading it yet but I feel like it’s important to write my thoughts on this book as I read. My first impression is “Wow, someone who actually gets it!”, I would be lying if I said I didn’t get emotional reading this. Most people do NOT get Selective Mutism and hearing the name of the condition Selective gets it in their head that I choose to not talk. It was difficult as a child but I’m finding it even harder now as an adult especially living in a new country. There is something I want to talk about right now and I feel like I’ve processed it enough to actually make the appropriate connections in my life and how my SM developed.

    It is “The trigger”, every child’s SM has a trigger or triggers, most people can’t remember the trigger or triggers because it might be something very routine like family visiting who doesn’t usually come over and pressuring the child to talk to them. For years I have never thought about my triggers because frankly, I didn’t remember. Actually sitting and thinking about my childhood there are three events that are possible triggers.

    1. Left at Relative’s House 1988
    2. Hurricane Hugo 1989
    3. Left Behind in Shopping Center 1990
    4. The Boiling Point- Starting School in 1991

    Left at Relative’s House

    I don’t remember this but I’ve heard enough about it to realize that it was very traumatizing. My family went to the US and I was left at an Aunt’s house, an Aunt I didn’t know and this was the first time I had ever been separated from my family. I’m told I cried until my parents came back. This would have probably been the first trigger. I was only 1 year and some months, my mother doesn’t remember how old I was just that my younger brother born in May 1989 wasn’t around yet.

    Hurricane Hugo

    I also don’t remember this event because I was very young but I heard how stressed and anxious everyone else was, I’ve been through my fair share of Hurricanes and a Category 5 would have been very terrifying for a young child, and add in the fact that I’m very sensitive to other’s emotions I would have no doubt been a wreck. I consider this my second trigger. The after-effects were felt for a long time after. I have memories of going to visit our house and it was still without a roof and the grass was very high.

    Left Behind in Shopping Center

    I shouldn’t have any memories of this but I do have some flashes, I can’t remember most of it but I have memories my parents would not have knowledge of, my parents, my baby brother, and I was were in the Shopping Center and I remember we were walking back to the car. My father was holding my hand while my mother held the baby. When we reached the car my father let go of my hand, he had a gold-colored Corolla and the seats have to go forward so anyone could get into the back and he just goes into the car and sent me around to my mother’s side but she was dealing with the baby and sent me back to my father’s side. He is very easily frustrated and he told me to go back around the car. Here is where it gets fuzzy. I don’t know what happened but I heard from my mother that witnesses said I was holding onto my father’s door handle trying to open it as he was driving away and that I fell in the street almost being hit by a truck that was driving behind. One of our neighbors saw the whole thing and ran and picked me up from the middle of the street.

    I honestly don’t remember his face or being pickled up but I remember walking in the stores with him asking me if I want some candy or a doll. I wasn’t crying I think I was in shock. My parents had left me. I probably didn’t think they were coming back for me.

    My mother said they were nearly home when she realized how quiet the car was and when she looked back I wasn’t in the back seat. I can only imagine the anxiety she experienced because the thought of not finding any of my children in the car is one that frequently gives me anxiety. She asked my father where I was and he in his customary gruff voice answered “What do you mean where is Lynnette? She’s in the back.” My mother no doubt screamed back “No, she’s not!” My mother always gets emotional telling me how scared she was and praying that they would not find an ambulance when they returned to the Shopping center. The sense of relief she felt when she found me standing next to the neighbor must have been immense. I consider this my third trigger.

    The Boiling Point – Starting School

    I was four when I started school, not that young considering both my older sisters had also started at four, but I was the only one who couldn’t talk, I wanted to go to school though. I wanted to go with my sisters but this place was not what I was expecting. Here is where my SM came out in full display and where I should have gotten help but Mental health was nonexistent on my Island. This is where I always looked to when thinking of my life with SM, I always maintained that I had no trauma, no abuse in my life to trigger SM but from 1988 right up to 1991 were not good years for me.

    I don’t really know what knowing my triggers accomplishes for me, I guess it allows me to fully understand the source of my anxiety, I knew some of my abandonment issues came about because of being left in the shopping center but I never took into consideration that it was there before that incident.

    I wonder what else I might ruminate over when reading this book?

  • Trip to Correns and more

    Welcome back or if you’re visiting for the first time hello.

    The last time I posted “The Last of them” my grandfather had just passed away and I was not in a good frame of mind. I’m doing better now, not 100% but I don’t feel like closing myself up in a deep dark hole, I got the space I needed to grieve and I’m thankful for that.

    One of my nieces went on vacation to the beach and my son wanted so badly to join her but the closest beach to us is almost 5 hours away! There’s no way we’d travel that far to go to the beach. Or so I thought…

    On Monday, all smug like, my son said to me “we’re going to the beach tomorrow”, Yeah right, I thought, we’re not going anywhere but his father didn’t say anything to me, then again his father waits until the very last minute to tell me anything. I’m sitting there contemplating this information and whether or not I can trust it when Marvin comes home and asks Naveen if he told me.

    Told me?

    Told me what?

    Naveen said “yes, I tell Mama”, you mean it’s true? We’re going to the beach tomorrow?

    Apparently.

    I had a rough night, Oyanie kept waking up even though she was sleeping for a good six hours, this night she decided four hours was good enough. So there I was on Tuesday morning, tired as hell and have to get up to start packing and making sure we don’t forget anything.

    Everything checked and double-checked, we were on our way, on our to where? I didn’t know. I just knew we were going to the beach. I mentioned before that my husband doesn’t tell me anything until the last minute? Well for trips he doesn’t tell me where we are going at all… I think he works under the misinformation that I like surprises, nothing could be further from the truth, after 10 years I’ve just accepted that he likes surprising me. I’ve never hated any of his surprises so I’ll allow it.

    First, we stopped to get gas, can’t drive for so long on an empty tank eh, that done we started our long drive to the beach, at first I was admiring the scenery as we drove but that quickly turned to fatigue as we continued driving, we’d been driving for almost two hours when I felt the car slowing down, I didn’t see it ok, I fell asleep, it was a very long drive. We took a little break so we could stretch our legs, eat and drink, and just rest for a bit. We still had about two hours left of driving to go. I was curious about what kind of hotel we would be staying in this time and anticipating just dropping onto the bed and staying there for however long I would need. Sitting in the car for so long had made my back ache like there was no tomorrow.

    With our little break over we were back on the road again, this passed by like a blur, I remember a lot of trees and buildings and then water, some of the water was greenish colored but the closer we got to our destination the bluer the color became.

    Finally, we arrived at our destination, this wasn’t like any hotel I’d ever seen before because it wasn’t, we were staying in someone’s air b&b?

    It was an apartment of sorts, the door was one of those really old European doors, an ancient wooden panel with a round knob that looks like it might fall off at any moment, it didn’t though, these doors are pretty strong despite their appearance. Inside was a kitchen slash dining slash living area. Kind of like what we have at home, there’s no definition of space in the homes I’ve visited here in France. There was an upstairs, where I assume were the bedrooms and bathroom but there was one problem.

    The stairs looked like something out of my worst nightmare…

    Apparently, Naveen felt the same because he refused to climb the stairs, we had no choice though, the beds were upstairs and the toilet which we would need sooner or later. His father helped him climb the ladder, I refuse to call it stairs, I followed behind gingerly placing my feet on each rung and holding onto the railing as my life depended on it. If you think going up that monstrosity was bad, going down it was worse, each rung was so narrow I had to try to climb down sideways so my feet could find purchase on each slender step. The worse thing about this was when I had to go up or down with Oyanie in my arms, There I was with my tiny baby held tightly in one arm and the other wrapped around the railing and trying to gauge how far down each step was from the other.

    Naveen became a pro at the stairs, he went up and down like they were nothing, me? No such thing, I took the stairs only if I really needed to otherwise I was fine to stay upstairs or downstairs wherever I was at the moment.

    We didn’t end up going to the beach the first day because it would take another hour and we had reacher too late to go to the beach. We did visit an old wash station where there was a river flowing through. Naveen told his father he didn’t want to go to the beach anymore, he was content to stay here and enjoy the river, we didn’t come all this way for the river though. We were going to drive to the beach the next day.

    A semi-good night’s sleep, Ms. Oyanie was up every four hours again, we had breakfast and relaxed a bit before heading to the beach around noon. The drive was interesting, we followed a canal of water along a very small road, you literally had to ride the wall to let another car pass, at the end of the canal was the beach.

    I’ll be completely honest, being from the Caribbean I grew up with white sand, blue waters, literally beaches of your dreams, this, was not it. First things first, the sand, more like dirt was speckled with something gold that felt like dust on your skin if it touched you. The water was not beckoning at all, add in that there were so many people there, my anxiety went sky high and I was content to stay on the bench we scored under the very shady tree. Marvin asked me if I wanted to go in the water and it was a big no. I’m fine love.

    We spent about two hours there, Naveen enjoyed himself immensely, Oyanie stayed with me most, and Marvin went in the water with Naveen, everybody enjoyed themself and it was time to drive back to the apartment.

    Had an okay night, it was time to head back home which meant another long drive, strangely, going up and down those horrifying stairs gave me muscle aches in my legs, I will not miss them at all. And because I completely forgot that Oyanie made five months yesterday I decided to take some pictures, she was not cooperating at all so I got many many very similar pictures lol. I thought I had settled on the best picture but I felt like the background was too busy and you couldn’t see her face well enough so I moved locations and voilà, the month 5 picture.

    This drive I did better, I didn’t fall asleep so I saw some cool things like this church? on top of the hill, not sure you can really see it in the picture.

    Also saw this really cute tiny castle on a roundabout.

    Finally, we were back home!

    This trip wasn’t the only thing I was up to, I also found this really interesting app on the app store, you upload a picture and people try to guess where you are from, it said to input the furthest back your ancestry went so I entered France and Nigeria. Trying out the app I realized that I really can’t tell where people are from, I get lucky sometimes but for the most part, I guess very wrongly.

    Here’s what people guessed for me:

    The last interesting thing I have to talk about is a secret campaign I was selected for. I can’t say what I’m supposed to review yet but when the package arrived I’ll write a post about it. Stay tuned for that!

    Alright, that’s all, for now, see you guys later!

  • Mute Again: A Poem

    It’s been a good writing day, I believe I’ve spoken about my Wattpad account before where I have three published works, one super short story Vishal and two poetry-based works Tales of An Introverted Expat and The Silence Inside Me.

    I updated the cover of The Silence Inside Me and added a new poem.

    Cover art by Melanie Wasser on Unsplash

    The title of the poem is Mute Again and I’ll share it here with you.

    Mute Again

    I was doing good, I was talking to the world, my words were finally being heard and I could express my every thought, and then…

    Then I moved.

    To another country where they didn’t speak my language and I didn’t speak theirs.

    I was back at square one.

    I studied every day, I watched all the movies, all the videos, I listened to music, I read so many stories.

    And yet…

    Here I am.

    Mute again.

    Another group of people who don’t understand.
    Another group of people who label me, unfriendly, snobby, shy.

    I want to scream, I’m not shy, I’m not unfriendly, I’m not a snob.

    But once again.

    My words fail me, they stay lodged in the back of my throat, they abandon me when I need them the most.

    I just want to be free.

    Free to speak, free to show my emotions, free to be me.

    But here I am again.

    Locked in my own mind.

    Here I am looking for those who know, those who understand, those who feel as I do, those silent people with so much to say.

    My people.

    Hope you enjoyed it and if you’re interested in reading more you can visit my profile LLDove.

  • My Truths: Learning To Accept My Asexuality

    This is going to be a heavy piece, it will involve speech about molestation, if that’s one of your triggers I’d suggest skipping this post, with that said I’m going to talk about something that I’ve talked a little about before but never in my blog. I want to change that, I want to speak my truth so others can understand certain aspects of my life and how I’ve processed it.

    So, here we go…

    This is a memory that is clear as day in my head even though it happened over twenty years ago.

    Imagine if you will, this thin, small child, five almost six years old, quiet, she doesn’t say a thing. Expressionless the whole day. This vulnerable innocent child was me.

    It was a new school, new people, new everything, I was in first grade and still mute even though they said children are only shy at first. The class was about twenty students maybe more maybe less, the size didn’t important, the children aren’t either, except for two. A boy and a girl.

    I had no interactions with these two, never sat near them, never played with them, but these two affected me in a way nothing else has ever done.

    It was not a normal day, we were not in class, no, we were in the school’s cafeteria. There was an event going on but I can’t remember what it was about, doesn’t matter, I was sitting at a table far away from everyone except for the boy E and the girl K. I can’t remember the names of the other students but I remember these two, I don’t know how I feel about their names, a curious thing, I don’t hate it but I won’t speak it. Ever.

    I don’t know why but K decided to notice me that day, maybe it’s because we were so far apart from everyone else but she was sitting right next to me.

    It’s going to get a bit graphic and I apologize but she stuck her hand under my skirt and fondled me, she pulled her hand out and said: “smell yourself”. I had never had the inappropriate touch talk, no, that came later, so, as you can no don’t tell I was confused and didn’t know what to do. The boy E never touched me but he did not tell her to stop either, instead what he did was laugh and I didn’t understand that either.

    I never told anyone about what happened, not my best friend, not my parents, I think I wanted to forget it ever happened. I buried it so far that I just never thought about it. That is until I was in my early 20s. I was talking to someone about rape and molestation and it was like opening a door. I remembered everything all at once.

    It explained why I had an aversion to being friends with girls, why I never felt comfortable around them, why I felt different from my peers.

    I talked about being The Useless Sibling but now I knew why. I up to this day have trouble accepting hugs and being touched, I still feel a little uncomfortable around women and I honestly don’t feel attraction. I honestly thought I was asexual because I’ve had people I thought were attractive I’ve never envisioned anything other than being friends, I had one or two I’ve called boyfriend but in truth, it was just in name. I have never wanted to be physical with any of them.

    The day I met my husband was like being awakened, it’s corny as hell but I often wondered what it would feel like just to be held. We lived in different countries then so there was no way to find out. The day he asked to visit, I swear I almost fainted, I asked my parents and they were fine. Yes, I still lived at home so when my husband came to visit he met all my family at once.

    That first day was full of nerves, this guy I’d spent two years chatting to was finally here, the first time in my life I felt like a woman and I wanted to explore.

    Demisexual, you don’t feel attraction until you’ve formed a deep connection, I now had an answer for my lack of interest in guys other than being friends.

    On the subject of friends, although I’m still a little uncomfortable, I now have a few women I call friends.

    I won’t allow a girl who was most probably being molested herself to dictate who I can and can’t be friends with.

    Oh, if you’re not following the Facebook page be sure to click the link button below, I had mentioned that I would do a special post for Father’s day so be on the lookout for that.

    Crucianize Facebook

  • The Useless Sibling

    The Useless Sibling

    Hey guys,

    Today I want to talk about something that has always bothered me.

    Ever since I was very young I’ve always viewed myself as the useless sibling. I have two older sisters who were obviously intelligent, they got good grades they were Salutatorian and Valedictorian of their classes, I also have three younger brothers who are also obviously intelligent, graduating with High honors, internship, also Sal/Val of their class, and then there’s me.

    Quiet, can’t speak in school, trouble with bullies, terrible grades, held back twice, nothing really special. I didn’t graduate with honors and I didn’t go to college, I am the useless child. Every parent must have a dud and I always knew it was me.

    When I was younger you could go to Wendy’s for a free meal with your report card and for whatever reason my father always brought me along to see my siblings get their free meals and he would buy nothing for me. I’d sit there and watch them eat and feel out of place.

    He’d also do this with toys, I got nothing while they got something new to play with. I never really blamed my siblings, I blamed myself for being too dumb to understand the work, too dumb to be able to speak.

    My mother probably didn’t know about this and I know if she did she would have bought me something even if it was something small and tiny. She never let me feel useless until that one year she said to me “if you get good grades, I’ll buy you that doll you wanted”, I worked my ass off and I didn’t get that doll, sold out is what she told me.

    I think that was the same year my youngest brother was born and my grandmother, my mother’s mother passed away. I remember not feeling anything really, I didn’t cry, I didn’t understand why others were crying but when I saw my mother break down I felt it, I cried because my mother was crying. I loved my grandmother and I have very fond memories of her but I just don’t feel emotions like other people.

    That was also the very first year I was held back, I stopped trying, I stopped caring, my first experience with depression but nobody noticed. They said I was being difficult and willful. Nobody saw me.

    I used to have a very best friend that I’d eat with hanging out every chance I got and the very next year we stopped hanging out and I’d sit by myself on the stairs in front of my classroom. I didn’t have any friends, I didn’t eat lunch, my thought was not the best and I didn’t know how to change them.

    It’s not to say some of my classmates didn’t try, they did, they invited me to sit with them under a mango tree, they’d share a little of their lunches with me and talk around me. Never to me because everyone knew I didn’t talk. I barely even smiled or showed any emotions.

    For my entire young life, I felt out of place like I couldn’t understand my peers, they were all speaking a language I just didn’t know. I tried to emulate them, I tried to have crushes like the other girls and copy their mannerisms and what I thought their thought patterns might be but it was like playing a part I had no business trying out for.

    In Jr. High my second year of 7th grade after being held back yet again I encountered a teacher that challenged me. According to one of my older sisters, she was in the woman’s class all of one day but this woman would constantly call me by my sister’s name and it chafed because I had my own name. This woman would also make fun of students who did poorly and I was not going to let her make fun of me, she was going to know my name. Mine, not my sister’s but mine.

    I got into honors that year, I spoke for the first time that year, my grandfather, my father’s father passed away that year. My mother was pregnant with my baby sister that year, 9/11 happened that year and my mother lost my baby sister that year.

    It was a catalyst for me and I let everything push me into doing everything I could to get out of school.

    It didn’t matter. My father still didn’t acknowledge what I had accomplished, I was still the child that couldn’t speak and couldn’t make it in the real world because I was filled with so much anxiety I couldn’t do half the things my siblings could.

    It’s amazing how much your parents can hurt you without knowing they did or maybe he knew exactly where to inflict the worst pain.

    He’s such a confusing person, he says these cruel things but then he took me out for my birthday just me and him and he bought me a birthday gift that I never thought he would. We’d go out to the movies together and we argued yes but it seemed like only the two of us did these things. My father was like me.

    He was filled with anxiety and he didn’t know how to express his emotions.

    As I got older I learned more about him just by observing him and I am so much like him not just in looks but in temperament.

    All those times when he’d sit by himself away from others, I understand it now, he looked so cut off from us because he didn’t know how to interact with us.

    When he’d want to leave or not go to a social function, I fully understand it. I hate social functions and how it drains me.

    His special hobbies, his desire for a schedule, I do all of this as well.

    I felt like I was looking for his approval and never got it but I was the only one he’d call to help him, the only one he showed a little attention in, I think my father understood me just a little better than I understood myself back then.

    That saying he kept saying to me? That I’d never go anywhere and be able to survive in the real world?

    I took it to heart and pushed myself, I left home and traveled internationally, I got married and I might still struggle socially but I function on my own level.

    I might not be as academically fortunate as my siblings but I am not the useless sibling, I made my success in personal battles and I accomplished my own great things.

    Thanks for reading a tiny bit of my story.

  • How my first time camping went

    How my first time camping went

    Hey everyone,

    Welcome back to my blog, today I’m going to talk about my first real-time camping, I emphasize on real because back in St. Croix, US Virgin Islands where I’m from there’s a tradition where families camp out on the beaches for Easter Holiday. My family has never gone but my father has put up a tent either in our front yard which is directly outside the front porch, the dog area where all the dogs are, or the side yard which faces the cottage on our property.

    Yeah, I grew up in a big house with a huge yard but the majority of it was down the side of a hill so not very useful.

    Anyway, this was my only experience with camping and we didn’t even stay a day in the tent because it was way too hot. My father would bring in a fan but it’s Caribbean humid and the fan did nothing for the sweat that would run down our faces, so we followed our mother back inside and left our father to his tent.

    20 or so years later and I have finally camped out for real but it wasn’t on a beach.

    I went here:

    Capfun Camping Le Grand Lierne in Châteaudouble, France.

    I know what you’re thinking…

    This is camping?! I’ve never seen a campsite like this before!

    This was my exact reaction when I was told we’d be going there to camp out.

    This campsite offers so many options for your camping needs you can get cabins for 4 people or cabins that are like mini-homes for 10/12 people or you can get the camping pitch where you bring your own tent which is what we did.

    Besides the camping aspect Capfun includes:

    A Waterpark:

    • Heated pool
    • Heated covered pool
    • Heated paddling pool
    • The Space Bowl which is a sensational water slide, upon entering you’ll find yourself in a large funnel and the person with the most laps wins.
    • Racer slides with three lanes so you slide side by side.
    • There is also a paddling pool with a snake water slide, for children younger than 6 years. They can enjoy pool time without any worry.

    The Waterpark opens from 9.30h to 20h – Swimming shorts are prohibited (boxers or briefs allowed). Toddlers must wear diapers specially designed for swimming.

    One interesting thing about the park was that the swim trunks I’m used to seeing back home were not allowed. Men and boys had to wear those tight swim trunks that looked more like underwear. I’ll have to show you a picture so you can see what I’m falling to describe.

    You must wear the bracelet provided by the park to enter the Waterpark area.

    A Restaurant

    A Bar

    A Gift shop/ Minimarket

    Washing Machines costs 6€

    Tumble Dryers costs 3€

    A Game room

    Children’s playground

    You can find more information here.

    You now know exactly where I went now I’ll tell you how I felt about this experience, before we even started getting ready for this adventure I was filled with so much anxiety. Being in such close quarters with so many people and the knowledge that I’d have nowhere to go to be by myself and decompress had me dreading the weekend.

    The Thursday before we would leave I asked my husband what kind of clothes I should pack and his response was anything I want which is not helpful at all. Keep in mind that it is June summer weather and I’ve never been camping so I was going in blind. I tried searching for information and it wasn’t helpful. I packed short sleeves, a strapless dress, one pair of jeans, and my short pants. I also packed the sheets that we would need, I looked at our thicker sheets and thought it’s summer we won’t need it…

    I was wrong, so wrong, I got everything wrong, it was cold and my clothing was inadequate for the temperatures. Our sheets were not thick enough at all. It was my worst nightmare. I stressed and stressed and felt like a failure because everyone else had these thick comforters and sweaters and I was there unprepared.

    On the other hand, I fully enjoyed my time there, without the few anxious moments I had fun and was not as drained as I thought I would be. If I needed time alone I could escape into the little zipped-off room in the tent and just relax and read a bit.

    My most notable moment of distress was when it started to rain and of blow-up mattress got wet so I couldn’t escape into our tiny room anymore. The noise of all the talking and children screaming and laughing really frayed my nerves.

    Luckily for me everyone wanted to go on for a little adventure and visit an old tower they were nearby, in the end, it was too far and we ended up going to a garden. I really enjoyed the fact that I could walk around by myself and not have all the noise beating at my head.

    Water Lily in Montélier

    While walking around the garden I came across some really interesting murals. I looked at a few of them with my husband.

    When we were leaving the garden we encountered two women removing decorations from a fountain, the children wanted to know why they were doing it and apparently they change the colors of the decorations every week. They also told us about another garden nearby that we could visit and off we went.

    This other garden had much more flowers, there were a lot of roses and crocheted things like snakes and spiders, there were also crocheted flowers!

    I really enjoyed this garden a lot.

    While at Capfun I did something I never thought I’d do ever. If you go back up you’ll we the picture of the slides in the Waterpark. Do you see that twirling three-lane yellow slide? It’s the Racer slide and I went on it twice!

    I’m deeply terrified of heights and deep water so going up those three flights of stairs to reach the top was nerve-wracking. My legs were trembling and I couldn’t turn around even if I wanted to because there were so many people behind me wanting to go on the slide.

    When we finally reached the top I was trembling but it was now or never do I got into the middle lane and…

    Off I went!!

    I won the race against my husband and son, the best thing ever, I enjoyed it so much I went for a second time, this time while I was coming down some of the water went up my nose and I decided that was enough.

    We ate at the restaurant our last night at Capfun and there was a Just Dance show playing, my son ever the extrovert decided he was going to dance every dance. It was adorable and I’m happy he’s able to do the things he loves.

    Our time soon came to an end and with it came a storm, there was so much rain and thunder the children were scared. I won’t lie but some of those thunders made me jump and wish I was home in my bed.

    The drive back was pretty uneventful but the scenery was beautiful.

    This was really a great trip and I’m glad I took those little steps out of my comfort zone.

    There was talk of going again and if we do go I’ll be more prepared.

    And there you have it my first time camping at Capfun Camping in Châteaudouble.

  • How to handle being an Introvert and have the best day ever

    Hey everyone!

    I just want to talk about yesterday and why it was the best day ever.

    My husband has so many friends that from what I know of my childhood and my family it seems unnatural, we spend a lot of time with them and it wears me out both physically and mentally. Don’t get me wrong I like his friends BUT I need time to myself to unpack all the stress of the week and it seems like I can never get that time because I’m always home with Naveen or at his parents or friends and that’s like being bombarded with even more stress. The talking, the laughing, the music, the smells, everything beats at me until I’m in a deep dark pit crying. To make matters worse we stay at these stressful events for hours and hours and I’m just tired and want to go home but he’s not ready to go home and Naveen is not ready. So there I am month after month being abused mentally.

    Yesterday I decided to stay home by myself and it was wonderful!

    I had the house to myself, it was quiet, I didn’t have to concentrate on anything other than watching one of my favorite movies The Princess Bride. I could feel all the stress leaving my body and my mood lifting.

    If you have Social Anxiety and are also an Introvert like me never feel bad about staying home and watching your favorite movie, your mental health is way more important than being social because society dictates you must be, enjoy your time alone guilt-free, and don’t make it a one-time thing. When you feel yourself slipping engage in some self-care.

    I am ready for the week now and actually thinking about smiling but we’ll see what tomorrow brings huh!

    Until next time!