For the past two days, I have been inspired to revisit an old story I started working on about two years ago. All my interest in it had fizzled and it just sat there stagnant until Thursday when I was going through my old stuff and saw it. Immediately I felt this need to dust it off and breathe some new life into it. It’s not finished by any means, you can say that it is barely begun so I won’t have a lot of work to dissect and can just start writing whenever I feel like it. I tried to remember just why I never began my story and why it was put into a coma and the only thing I could think of was that I didn’t have the voice to tell it. I firmly believe that if you haven’t connected with your storyline on a deep level it will never get anywhere. A forced storyline is never a good thing and if you have to force it why are you writing it in the first place?
I read over my files, I keep very detailed records of my storylines whether it’s in old notebooks or digital notebooks on Evernote or Google Docs. I have literally hundreds of half-built worlds and storylines, finished short stories that need good editing. What I do not have is the desire to do what I know needs to be done. It has been so hard for me to push through my depression and get back to what I have always enjoyed but this month I feel like I will be able to accomplish much.
I do a bit of poetry and have some works in progress on Wattpad that I have been focusing on lately. If you’re interested and registered on the site you can view my profile here at LLDove.
My pieces are anything but popular but I feel like they fall into very specific niches and they are special to me especially Tales of an Introverted Expat and The Silence Inside Me, both are poetry-based and reference my depression, anxiety, and selective mutism to an extent.
The piece I am working on now can be typed as a Romantic Comedy, it is called One Night Romeo.
Gia Joseph was tired of the small town she grew up in where everyone knew her as the recluse, she wanted a fresh start somewhere new and exciting. It was cliche to move to France with the hopes of finding love but what Gia found was an unforgettable one-nightstand. She couldn’t get this guy out of her head and against her better judgment began looking for him hoping that he was looking for her too. The problem with finding someone in a big city is that it’s nearly impossible to run into the same person twice, somehow fate intervened and Gia found her one night Romeo, unfortunately, he didn’t remember who she was!
Gia spends the entire summer manufacturing coincidental meet-ups with the hopes of reminding her Romeo of who she was and why he should be more than a one night Romeo
One Night Romeo
I can’t say when it will be finished but I do plan on working on it until I am satisfied with it.
Hello, long time no see… Entirely my own fault, I ended up in a very deep depression and I was not being truthful to myself about how deep I was, every day I would say it’s no big deal I’m not too bad, and then next I’m crying in a corner by myself. I had to take a step back and work on myself, I’m happy to say that while I’m not 100 percent better, I’m in a place where I don’t feel like everything is dark. It’s been about two years since my last post and almost three years since my move to France, I’ve been working on my French, I can understand a bit now, I can reply in my head sometimes but the words don’t seem to come out unless it’s “Bonjour/ Bonsoir/ Bonne Nuit” “Oui”, or “Je sais pas”. Pitiful I know, I’ve been doing workbooks, watching tv shows, talking to my son although he tells me I’m not supposed to speak French to him, I have also been doing some genealogy. My paternal family is French from the French Antilles so I have been using my tiny bit of French to read the birth, marriage, and death certificates, it has been so rewarding because I learned a lot of new words and I can now identify them without having to look them up or translate them, also we watched some movies in French, my absolute favorite was Coco, I was actually able to follow along with most of the storyline and understand most of the movie, a weird thing happened whenever I hear the songs in English I automatically hear them in French in my head, I find this very fascinating. I suppose it’s because I’ve never heard the songs in anything but French so I stored it away under French vs watching movies I saw in English in French. Anywho, what other updates, my little bean will soon be five years old, I shaved my head last year, I have a very nice curly Afro now, shrinkage means that it’s long but you’ll never be able to guess that unless I twist, braid, or flat iron my hair. I’ve also been working on a story, the title is a bit TBA at the moment but I can share my synopsis with you. Here is what I’ve been working on since late last year.
An Irish jeweler living in a small town buys a new journal, upon opening said journal he discovers that it’s already filled with mysterious writings. He tries to return the book to the store, but they have no records of it ever being sold by them, the jeweler decides to read the journal in the hope that there would be clues to the identity of the owner, he discovers that a young woman might be in trouble and he might possibly be her only hope.During the course of his investigation, the Jeweler uncovers an old family secret and begins questioning everything that he has ever held about the world around him. He must now find the owner of the journal and help rescue a young woman before it is too late.
Once it’s completely finished I’ll be sure to link it here for your reading pleasure, that is if you are interested in reading it…
I have so much to talk about, a lot has happened since the last time I updated the blog, Naveen turned one and then two, I started a blog post for his first birthday and got completely side tracked, I honestly don’t know what happened.
Anyway here is the piece of blog from his first birthday.
The day is finally here, I was up at 3:00 am writing this, the same time my water ruptured, it’s so strange the difference in the days. One was to bring a life into the world the other is insomnia while celebrating the life that was brought into the world. My mind has been zooming for five days it seems, always worrying, thinking, wondering, hoping, not about the birthday gifts since I got those weeks ago, more about the cupcakes and if they will be good and how I’ll make it through this day.
My baby is 1 year old, my itty bitty baby that I was still in shock about the fact that I was having one. Mama is just sitting here in the dark watching all the pictures of her little boska wondering where the time went, remembering how tiny you were, how precious your face was, it’s still precious but now I know that you are a little imp who only looks for Mama when something goes wrong.
There’s a baby in there! – 2014
Seems like….I was going to say “a year ago that I wrote that” and it was a year ago, epic fail huh!
Anyway, this update is to say that we are finally in France with Papa and have been here almost three months, can you believe that? Last time I wrote in here I was stressing and wondering if we would ever make it to France and now we’ve been here for almost three months. The journey here was not easy, it was not easy at all. It included plans gone awry, worry about being able to pay for tickets, people backing out of taking the journey with us, a trip to Canada and Florida in the US, it was wild and I’ll probably go into it at a later date.
For now I just want to say we are here and enjoying it so far!
Now I will go into detail a little bit of how our trip went. We flew out of St. Croix to Miami, my mother, youngest brother, myself and Naveen. Naveen was completely wiped out when we landed, this was only his second trip so it’s understandable.
We met up with my cousins Ellis and Joshua and also my middle brother Lucas and his girlfriend. We took the day to do some adventuring and let Naveen experience a bit of Florida. We wanted to go to the Flesh-Eating museum but it was closed, unfortunately, one day maybe.
My uncle and aunt met up with us as well and we walked around a bit and for our last day we had dinner at an Asian restaurant with all my aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was a nice family get together.
We were off to Philadelphia for our layover to Montreal, the airport has a little play area that occupied Naveen for a while so that he wouldn’t be bored while waiting for our plane.
It was finally time for us to fly over to Quebec and meet up with Marvin, I honestly can’t describe my feelings that day, I mean it had been a year and some months since we had seen each other, I missed him of course but I was dealing with a whole lot of emotions from my pregnancy and having to be single parent for a while. Looking back on it I can see where I was not in touch with my emotions and treated him in a way he didn’t deserve. I knew if he could have he would have been back to the Island.
Seeing my son and husband together again was the best feeling.
Fair warning this post is going to be as long as the last post since I merged several of my old short blog pieces into one long blog post it goes from November 30, 2013, to September 9, 2013. It is a bit longer than the last one and I hope the length doesn’t scare anyone away.
Yes, he’s here
November 30, 2013
This is a very late update but my little Naveen was born on October 28, 2013, at 7:58 pm.
After such a trying pregnancy my labor was pretty difficult as well. 16 hours, Pitocin, and 20 stitches to repair 2nd-degree tears. I’m pretty sure he will be an only child and it’s a bit depressing because I always wanted more than one but my body can’t handle birthing more than one.
I said adoption was an option but deep down I wonder what a little girl that is biologically mine will look like.
Three Months Later
January 31, 2014
It has been three months since my son was born and it has been very interesting, I go to sleep and wake up to the cutest little face, yea I wake up, every two hours. I am pretty much always exhausted and have permanent dark circles under my eye, they’ve always been there but are much darker now. When we do wake up at 4, I change his diaper so there won’t be any accidents in the rest of the night. It is then that Mr. decides he wants to play. He smiles, he squirms, he flails his arms and kicks his feet and all I want to do is go back to sleep. If he was ever like this in the belly I have no clue, I was always passed out either from exhaustion or sleeping pills. It doesn’t make much sense to me that he will want to play, he goes back to sleep not even an hour later. I am left scratching my head more often than not.
Now that he is 3 months old Navi has learned to lift his head, grab things, and roll from his belly to his back, he even laughs, it’s a rare thing because he is such a serious boy. I’m getting to understand who this little person is a bit better every month. It’s still an indescribable feeling knowing that this baby grew inside of me for all those months and almost killed me in the process. I’ll never let him forget how painful it was so he better be a very good boy while growing up.
I’m a Warrior…
February 6, 2014
Dark circles under my eyes Back pain that doesn’t go away A crying 3 months old next to me A cold trying to come on
I have to get up to take care of him, I can’t let body pain and a tiny cold stop me from doing what I have to, I have nobody to lean on, I can do it alone. I am a Mother, I am a Protector, I am a Warrior.
Every night with no-fail, my 3-month-old goes to sleep at 11 pm and wakes up at 2 am and 4 am and finally at 7 am with no intention of going back to sleep until 12 pm, by then it’s too late for me to try to catch a few extra sleep because I have too many things to do, I have to make myself breakfast, I have to wash clothes, I have to try to make some money to buy the essentials; diapers, wipes, clothes.
To make things worse, little man is in the teething stage, if he was hard to put to sleep before, now he is just impossible. I usually try to rock him and it’s either a hit or a miss. Now I strap him into his carrier and walk around the house, he’s pushing 14 lbs while I’m a skinny 92, you can just imagine the pain I have in my back, shoulders, and neck. I can’t admit defeat no matter how much it hurts because baby must sleep so that I don’t pass out while he’s awake. I don’t know what is about the carrier that puts him out but whatever it is I am grateful. Maybe it reminds him of being inside the womb, who knows, I just hope it continues to be my good luck charm.
All that aside, my little man is growing up so fast and I’m becoming weepy, I had such a rough pregnancy and wanted it to be over fast and now that he’s here time is going by so fast I wish it would slow for a while. From a tiny 5 lb 6 oz baby to 14 lbs in just 3 months, it’s astonishing to me, maybe because I am a first-time mom and don’t remember my youngest brother or my 4 nieces gaining weight so fast. Doesn’t help either that he seems to be in a rush to grow up, wants to stand, wants to sit up, he can already turn from his back to the left or right, it surprised me, I wonder what other surprises he may have in store for me.
I’ll just wait to see what he does next month, maybe he will be crawling by then, for now, it’s time for this mom to take care of her bouncing baby boy.
Teething is a nightmare.
February 11, 2014
My poor baby is suffering from this horrible affliction called teething. He wakes up in the middle of the night rubbing my gums furiously and crying his heart out, I try to help him with the teething toy, a cold washcloth, anything people tell me and he’s still so miserable. For the past two days this has been going on and I have had no sleep (When do I get to sleep?!) and it is taking its toll on me. Today when he had a nap I was going to nap too so I laid down and felt sleep coming on slowly….he wakes up and cries. I held him and rocked him back to sleep, I left him there in my arms and fell asleep with him, we got a good 2-hour nap and I felt awesome!!
After that nice long nap, he drank as he had never seen milk before, I took it as a sign that he wasn’t sick because I did have a little worrying thought that maybe he had gotten the cold from his cousins. Speaking of cousins, I was watching my youngest niece Yaya who is making 8 months soon while trying to watch little Navi. Kudos to parents with twins because I don’t know how you manage two under one. I was wearing Navi in his carrier and pushing Yaya in her stroller, not so bad but when you release the beast (Yaya) she is creeping everywhere and I mean everywhere! I was holding on to Navi and trying to keep her from dive-bombing off the bed, keeping her hands away from his hair. Don’t hit him Yaya! He’s too small for that! I was only too happy when my sister came back for her little minion.
Now I’m going to get started writing on a project I have been thinking of doing, it’s a bit challenging trying to write when Navi is up but he likes to listen to music like Mami and his stuff kangaroo is a pretty good talking buddy.
Birthday with a new baby
February 12, 2014
In exactly 5 days it will be my 27th birthday and I have no clue what to do to celebrate it. I have never really celebrated my birthday, it has always been just another day and gets me depressed, last year I had one of the best birthday surprises I have ever gotten in my whole life. A trip to France. I don’t know if I would trust going on another trip since that is how Navi was conceived. I love Navi but I do not love pregnancy or labor. I’m not even sure that it will be a good birthday just for the fact that I did something so amazing last year, how can I top going to France? I did so many things I have never done in my life before and will probably never get to do again.
I figured I’d go to our Agricultural fair with Navi and that’s it, I mean there isn’t any restaurant that I’m dying to go to, no club I am even remotely interested in seeing, nothing that is really calling out to me. Maybe that’s my problem, I’m so used to doing nothing that when I get a chance to do it I can’t find the enthusiasm for it. As the day gets closer and closer I am becoming even more depressed, who really gets excited about getting another year older.
I think I will make myself some cupcakes, or buy a cake, I am so not interested in making my own cake, there is just no satisfaction to be had from that, I can’t even pretend to be surprised that I got a cake or cupcakes because I would be the one doing it.
All I can do is wait and see what the day brings me.
Aww Shucks, I’m 27!
February 24, 2014
So last week Monday was my birthday and I didn’t do anything for it, I was fine with it since the Sunday we went to the agricultural fair and spent three hours there, I had him in his carrier and walking around was fine but standing in one place is the big problem, especially when he falls asleep. When he falls asleep in that carrier all his weight pulls down on my back and shoulders and I have to sit, luckily we were able to get a picnic table to sit and eat so I got to rest my back for a while. I can’t believe how big he got too, when I first started to put him in the carrier two months ago his head was not visible above the top, now my little baby can see over the top and look at everything, pretty soon he will be able to turn around in the carrier and lookout instead of inwards.
Yesterday, I was watching all the cardboard I had stashed away (Yes, I am a bit of a hoarder, I always think, let me keep this I can use it) and thought I would make a board game for my nieces. The ideas started pouring in after that initial thought, I developed characters, I found a good board layout, simple and easy because my nieces are 3-8 and anything too long they lose interest in. As far as the characters, I know how those girls are and they fight tooth and nail over what they think is the best character so I let them help design their own character so they will always have a character to play with and they won’t be stuck with one they don’t like. I’m still working on a name for the game, the object of the game, the rules, and the gameplay. I’m actually enjoying the development stage of the game, it makes me feel like I’m doing something instead of sitting around waiting for work.
My other project, on the other hand, is moving pretty slow, I finished the first chapter very fast but now the second chapter is fighting to come out, I know I just need to find a quiet place to concentrate and write but right now that seems to be unlikely to happen. Little man is not happy to sit and play, he’s more interested in being held so he can stand and bounce. He hates sitting, he hates laying down, oh no my almost 4-month-old baby wants to stand and he just can’t because his neck muscles still aren’t fully developed and my arms get too much of a workout dealing with his bouncing.
In a few years, you might hear all about my famous son who is a big-time ballet dancer in France. Heavens know the boy has the leg muscles for it. I can see him now in his white leotard, twirling and leaping across the stage and Mama being so proud tears flow from her eyes.
To be truthful this was supposed to have been posted a day after my birthday but I’ve been so busy that I only now got the chance to finish the post. That boy just does not let me do anything anymore. I haven’t combed my hair in weeks, I have to end this here because once more duty calls!
Depression
February 25, 2014
I’ve suffered from depression my whole life and have never taken anything for it, I must always rely on myself to get me up out of the dumps because like always “nobody understands”. It’s so easy to tell someone that they should focus on what they do have and not about what they can’t do or don’t have. Sometimes what you do have can’t pay the bills, it won’t help you protect and keep your family in a safe environment. It will not bring the sunshine back.
“What’s the point of it all?” I have never found the answer to that question, sometimes I just ignore the question but it is always there nagging at the back of my head, poking me when I am most vulnerable, What IS the point of it all?? I wish I knew, wish I could answer that question once and for all so that I never have to face off with it again. People will try to tell you the point of it all but their answers mean nothing because they aren’t you, how can they tell you what they don’t know, I’ve often wondered how someone who doesn’t live your life or even went through what you have can tell you what the point is, their words are like salt on an open wound continuously pouring and causing pain and they do it with an oblivious look in their eyes and a smile on their lips.
I’m a pessimist at heart, I don’t know how to change that or if I can, I’m 27 and pretty much set in my ways, be flexible they say but have you ever tried to bend an old rubber band? It either loses its shape and is no longer useful or it breaks. I think that’s what my problem is, I’m trying to change and losing my shape, I’m no longer the person who used to smile and laugh, I’m no longer the person who used to dream. I try to change to become what other people want and I have become a miserable weak creature.
“It will be better” What is better? How will I know when it’s better, who can tell me it’s better? The same people who tell me to focus on what I have? Will it become better when I get what I need? But I’m not supposed to focus on what I don’t have so once more how will I know… Of course, I am an argumentative person and nothing you say will change my mind, like a toxic mixture I am doomed to self-destruction.
I hate this feeling, I hate it so much, I feel helpless to do anything, I want to do something so bad and yet I don’t know what I want to do. Watching Naveen helps a bit, his little toothless smiles cheer me up, watching him play with his toes, concentrate so hard to grab something and he does it with the same facial expression his father gets when he’s doing something, makes me smile.
I think I’ll go hold my little boy while he’s still a little boy and just take this one day at a time.
Baby Clothing Sizes
March 1, 2014
I am annoyed, I am very annoyed, I am so annoyed that I am blogging about what is annoying me!
Baby clothes are cute and they come in all kinds of sizes for the many different aged and sized babies but and this is a very big but, why aren’t all clothes made by weight instead of age? Maybe some people don’t know how much their baby weighs but know how old they are. Fair enough but, not all babies born in the same month are the same size. My own baby is 4 months old and he wear 6 months and 6-9 months and very few 3-6 months…do you see the inconsistency of this? Why is he wearing so many different sizes? Because people have different sizing measurements for the different months.
You have to be on your toes when buying baby clothes because no two clothing labels will fit the same and if you think oh my son wears a 3-6 because they say a 3 month or a 6-month-old can fit it then you are in danger of losing money. Your baby could gain so much weight that the clothes he wore at 3 months will be too small at 4 months even if it was a 3-6 month. It’s like you have to buy in every size just so your baby won’t be out of clothes by next week and baby clothes are not cheap, I have spent less on my own clothing than I had to spend for my son, I don’t mind because I can get by he can’t because he doesn’t have years of clothes in his drawer but I am on a very tight budget and before you say shop online, not everyone ships to the Virgin islands and yes that includes clothing too, I know because I am always knackered over finding a very good sale and choosing things than going to check out only to find something saying “Sorry! We don’t ship to your current location.” don’t get me worked upon that subject, that is a blog for another day!
I am so frustrated by this because I had way more 3-6 than I had 6-9 and my poor son is only 4 months old and already too big for all the clothes he has. I think if it was done by weight instead I’d have more of a chance to keep more clothes longer, little man has steadily gained since he was born and it’s always 1-2 lbs in a month. Monday is his 4-month checkup and I’ll see if my guess is right and he’s a good 15-16 lbs or heavier.
Phew…..steam released, I feel better, now all I have to do is go out shopping for more clothes in bigger sizes and hope he doesn’t outgrow them too soon.
4-month checkup
March 13, 2014
I had meant for this post to be done so long ago, I can’t believe it has taken me this long to get back to my blog. Anyway, at his checkup he came in at 15 lbs 5 oz and was 25 inches, I was spot on for length and just a pound under. His pediatrician was very impressed with his neck support “Today is Naveen’s4-month checkup and I am curious to see how big my little baby has gotten. His last checkup was on December 31 at 2 months and 3 days, he came in at 11 lbs 14 oz and was 23 inches, I suspect he will be around 16 lbs and 25 inches.
My poor baby will also be getting 4 immunization shots today, I hate shots for myself so you can just imagine how anxious I am for him, I didn’t look at the last checkup and didn’t hold him down, his father did that but now that he won’t be going with us this time I’ll have to do it and I am literally making myself sick.” Naveen made 5 months on Friday not sure how much he weighs now but I’m pretty sure it’s close to 16 lbs if not 16 lbs already, I can’t hold him for long anymore because my back and arms can’t take it so he strolls in his umbrella stroller. Lately, I’ve gotten into the habit of strolling down and then back up the hill. It hurts so bad but it’s exercise.
8 Months
July 1, 2014
On June 28, 2014, my little baby made 8 months, it was also the 8th birthday of my second niece, the day before (June 27) had been the first birthday of my 4th niece. To be honest, the entire month had been crammed with birthdays of cousins, a brother, brothers-in-law, uncles, and my grandfather.
I can’t believe my baby is 8 months, I guess I’ll be saying this for the rest of my life, it’s really unbelievable that last year I was 5 months pregnant and not even feeling any kicks yet, didn’t have much of a belly either, now my little boy is holding on to the sofa to stand up and trying to walk.
Now for my niece’s 8th birthday, I made her a Doll Cake, I had only done this once before, and that was a good 5 years ago. I got frustrated because I couldn’t take my time on it so I feel like it wasn’t my best. My niece loved it so I guess it wasn’t so bad.
After 5 years maybe it’s not so bad but it’s still far from what I can accomplish, with some more practice I’m sure I can do a Doll Cake I can be proud of again.
Work
July 4, 2014
I am literally going out of my mind without any work, it’s been too long since I’ve been able to work and my bills are piling up. I’m so stressed that my hair is falling out and I’m pretty much always down. I know I shouldn’t stress so much about things I can not change but when you have a little baby who needs clothes, needs diapers and wipes, needs this or that and hospital bills so high you don’t know how you will pay them all back, stress will get you. I did manage to work for a little while last week which earned me $15 which then went into buying a box of diapers and some wipes. Yup easy come easy go even though I have never been the spending kind.
It doesn’t help my frame of mind either to remember how much I had saved up before I had Naveen, all that money went in the blink of an eye because of the cost of medication and hospital bills that I did get to pay. If I could get back to working and making $15 a day I would be happy but Naveen does not cooperate at all. He has become very clingy and I’m hesitant to leave him on the ground crying because he has a habit of trying to stand up by unstable things like the cupboard door or the open french doors. I’m also hesitant to put him in the stroller because he has figured out a way to stand partially in the stroller. Yeah, not good for one so faint of heart as myself.
I know little babies fall when they are learning how to stand and walk and little boys more so but it’s a completely different ball game when it’s your little baby. I’ve had mini heart attacks many times this past week, he pushed up into a stand from his froggy kneeling, and fell over on his head, he was holding onto the sofa and let go fell over onto his back. I swear my heart stops beating both times. Do you know how those movies do the slow-motion Noooos? That was me, I was so close but stopped and slapped my hands to my face Nooooooooo! Pathetic, I know. I could have reached him before he fell over but I suck in the face of a crisis. I’m ashamed of myself.
To try to make a few extra bucks I figured “Hey, why don’t I try freelancing!” Freelancing what though? I don’t have any degrees other than in Commercial Baking and Cake Decoration and not many people are looking for someone with that skill, especially not on the internet. Why not blogging? I barely keep up my own blog huh…Story writing? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I haven’t even finished a full story in over 10 years. I am my worst critic so in the end I felt all dejected and decided not to try freelancing after all. Strangely enough, it did push me to go back to a story I was writing and see it with fresh eyes. I’m happy to say I’m back to working on it and trying my best to stick to it this time.
When Naveen naps, this momma will work!
Diaper Wars
July 6, 2014
When someone says to you “Diaper Wars” what is the first thing that comes to mind? Huggies vs. Pampers? Pampers vs. Luvs? No doubt it’s probably one of those combinations or even Cloth vs. Disposable, well I’m not going to talk about that kind of diaper war, I’m going to talk about a diaper war most mothers (I’m hoping) know about, the kind where you’re baby won’t stay still and you have to literally fight them to change their diaper.
Naveen has always been a pretty good baby when it came to changing his diaper, no fights, no fuss, no hassle, all that changed when he hit 8 months like it was a fricking magic number. He won’t just lay there and watch me with either his “What are you doing pervert?” or “Clean my butt loser” looks, nope, he has declared war on me and the diapers.
He will no longer lay there and be changed, he’s not even content to play his hand in whatever unholy mess he made, he means business when he turns and twists, screams, and literally flings his arms around. He doesn’t care if he makes a mess on the bed and frustrates me, nope he just wants to hang free and roam the land. Sometimes I almost want to let him go commando but there are three little girls in this house and the youngest likes to grab his diaper front (She just turned 1). I’m worried that if he’s just dangling along she might grab a handful and injure him and seriously, I do not want to go to the hospital with my 8-month-old and try to explain to them how my 1-year-old niece managed to grab his bits and spin them like a helicopter. So, we fight and he loses but I feel like I’ve lost too because an 8-month-old shouldn’t be able to aggravate you like this. I’m convinced I’m doing something wrong, why can’t I control a little baby??
Early warning, if I am not back before next week Friday, it means I have lost the battle and I’m chasing my diaper-less son around the house.
Today is Standing Day!
July 7, 2014
Today my little baby decided he was going to stand every chance he got, he didn’t just hold on to something and let go either, he pushes up from a crouch. It’s always so amazing to see him when he’s standing there for a few seconds before he falls. The feeling I get in my chest knowing that this is the little baby that was growing in my belly, I can’t describe it.
I’m a proud Momma right now, I know every baby is different, but when it’s your first you can’t help but feel like your baby is special.
That being said, yesterday I had this lofty idea that I would take a picture throughout this day to see what my day was like, when I woke up this morning (unwillingly might I add) I completely forgot about it and only remembered now. I guess I could still do it but it won’t be accurate and I’m kind of obsessive about things being accurate. I’m not even sure I will even attempt it tomorrow because when I really think about it, my day is boring. I don’t have much going on at all.
On the other hand, I did get a fair bit of writing done for my story, I devote a little time every day to it now, I got some done last night when Nabo fell asleep and I took a bit of time this morning when he was playing with his cousins, I’m hoping that I can get a bit more tonight too.
Ah the beauty of a mobile child, I have to track him down because he is super fast on his knees now, before he was slow and I could easily look down and he’d still be in the same spot, I can hear him with his older cousin so I know he’s not too far, until next time.
Anxiety…
July 9, 2014
So last night, Naveen went with me, my mother, and my father to see Think Like a Man Too, this was his 4th time going to the movies and it was bad, not as bad as going to see Godzilla and How to Train Your Dragon 2 but still pretty bad. We walked into the theater and sat down, he was fine, there were a few people in the theater but not too many. More people started to come in and he looked around and started to bawl. Then the commercials came on and they were pretty loud which made him cry even more. I tried to feed him to kind of distract him but he wasn’t having it, he started to push and throw his hands around, my mother had already seen the movie so she took him and went to the back with him (Thank you Mami!) I’m told he calmed down and went to sleep, he was still sleeping when she came back, it was going good but then a really funny part of the movie came up and all the laughter made him jump awake and it was back to square one.
I tried rocking him, holding him, feeding him, but he is not interested in any of it, he went back to my mother and calmed down again, my mother has the magic touch, what am I doing wrong that I can’t get him to calm down for me? Having 6 kids must have made my mother some kind of kid magnet because all of her grandkids go to her for comfort and they fight over her too! It’s a sobering thought though when we leave the Island for France, I won’t have my mother there with me to hold Naveen, she won’t get to see him grow up and I won’t have my mother to go to the movies with, yea I’ll finally have my little family together but I’m going to lose my family in the process. It’s not like they’re right next to each other or even 6 miles away, according to Google, it’s 4,386 miles apart.
My mother is a big coward when it comes to planes too, she can barely make it on a flight from St. Croix to Florida so I know she will never get on a plane to fly to France. I’m not even betting on any of my siblings visiting, I’m convincing myself that I’m going to be solo, the lone Crucian in French territory unless I count Naveen but he’s going to grow up there so he’ll be more French than Crucian. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that I won’t enjoy living in France but when you grow up on a tight-knit little Island with a specific culture that is found only on that little Island you tend to see the world differently than people from other places. I can write a book on the differences I have noticed already but I’ll leave that for another post. It’s time I go back to chasing behind my son and enjoying my family while they are still around.
Iron Deficiency, Birthday Parties, & Stress, Oh my!
September 9, 2014
I know, I haven’t been here in forever but I’m here now. I’ll try to catch you up on all the things that are going on with me and Naveen.
On Aug 28 he made 10 months, which is crazy because just yesterday he was a newborn, and before that, he was a bump in the belly, and even farther back he wasn’t even a thought in my head. I never in my life imagined the little boy that I see beside me right now, I’ve dreamed of a son before but I never thought I’d actually have one because I couldn’t imagine myself as a mother. I don’t think I see myself as other people see me, inside I’m still the same person I was when I was younger, I have grown yes but I’m still essentially the same person, the person who used to dream of one day being an author or an artist, the person who thought the world of her own mother and never felt like she could be the same kind of mother. I know that I can never be like my mother, she is a hard worker who did whatever it took to make sure her kids were taken care of and fought for the rights of her kids, I can be that kind of person but in my own way. I’m nothing like my mother, my sisters, my aunts, or my cousins, I am me and I have to do things in my own way, now that that’s out of the way let’s move on to more important things like Naveen’s routine blood test for WIC.
On July 28 Naveen went for a blood test to check his blood level and to see if everything was fine, when we got the results back everything came back as abnormal, they told me it probably meant he needed iron and it wasn’t a big deal but to make sure to show it to his pediatrician. His next Doctor appointment was on August 19 so I figured I’d give him some of that Poly-vi-sol vitamin just to be on the safe side. When his Doctor saw the results she was appalled, said it was way too low and that he’d need to go in for several blood tests to make sure that he just has low iron and not Sickle cell anemia. My heart just about dropped into my stomach, the thought of Naveen having Sickle cell and nobody even knowing at the hospital when he was born was a frightening thought. I was so worried, I couldn’t sleep, I would just watch Naveen and pray that everything was fine and he wasn’t sick. The tests were supposed to be very expensive and the little bit of money I have been able to make working went into diapers and wipes, sometimes clothes, and lastly shoes for Naveen. I had no idea how I was going to pay for the tests, my mother said she’ll try to help with some but she didn’t have that much money anyway and I already owed her for the last Doctor’s appointment. Thanks to Naveen’s Papa we had the money to go to the lab to get his blood tests done, it was $70 for the tests they did on Island and two other tests would be sent away to the states and I’d be billed.
On September 3rd we went to the lab, Naveen already hates this lab because he came here to take his first blood test which was just a finger prick, this time they were going to draw blood out a vein, the nurse brought out 4 huge vials and set about to take my baby’s blood, my mother didn’t think they should take all that blood from such a small baby and especially since he was very anemic, the nurse said it was Doctor’s orders but my mother put her shoe down and the head nurse had to come and she agreed that they didn’t need all that blood so they’d have to fill the vial only halfway. The nurse stuck poor Naveen in his arm and attempted to get his blood but Naveen is a fighter and he was screaming and kicking and the blood just wouldn’t come out so we called a halt to it and asked for a refund since this nurse clearly didn’t know what she was doing. We went to the Doctor’s office and she gave us a referral to do the blood test at the hospital where the nurses were more competent. So the next day we’re at the hospital to do the blood tests and I’m so nervous because I have no idea what this test will show, I hate to hear my baby cry and see them stick needles in his arm to take his blood. This time there are two nurses, one to help me hold down Naveen and the other to take his blood, it went so fast and they only took two small vials but it cost me $200. I’m fine with the $200 since they actually knew what they were doing and they were very pleasant.
Skip it to 2 days later and I get a call from his Pedi, he’s severely anemic and we have to start therapy right away. I think I was numb at this point, I just got up left the house, and picked up his prescription to start him on his Iron supplement. He’s taking 1 ml daily for a week then 2 ml for a week, then 3 ml the next week all the way up until he is taking 5 ml. The first day he took his iron was not easy, I tried to mix it with water and he absolutely refused to drink it so I ended up having to mix in some juice and he drank it with no problem. I have no idea if it’s increasing his iron levels yet but I have noticed an increased appetite, he now eats more table food than he was before, it’s not a nibble or two, and then leave. We have another Dr. appointment next week Friday, guess we’ll see if he has gained any weight and they’ll send us for another blood test.
Now about his birthday… Next month my baby will be 1 year old and I have nothing, no invitation, no theme, no plans, nothing. I know he won’t remember any of it but it feels like such a failure that I can’t even give him some cupcakes and a plate with his favorite character on it. I’m so depressed but I don’t show it because I have to be strong for my son and do the things he does need like iron supplements and blood tests. Hopefully, I can at least give him a cupcake with a number 1 candle…
Forgive the length of this post as it’s several of my very old blog that was barely snippets, this post goes from 17 weeks to 33 weeks. At the time I barely had any energy to write on the computer for very long so I would post a quick update and I thought it would be much better if I turned it into one cohesive post.
Before there was a belly
September 15, 2013
This is my belly at 17 weeks 1 day
The picture was taken June 9th, 2013 when I was in the last part of 4 months, it’s a small belly I know and most people would say “What baby??” but there was a baby in there, he’s still in there today, I’m now 31 weeks but I’ll leave that for another post.
Still nothing
18 weeks 4 days
This picture was taken on June 19th, 2013 when I was 5 months pregnant, can you see it?? The little bump? No? Don’t worry I could barely see it myself. I was assured that I would start to show in my 6-7th month when the baby really started to grow. I didn’t believe it at the time because it was still hard to believe that there was a baby inside there. I had no belly, no fetal movements, no doppler to hear a heartbeat, nothing to keep me believing that there was anything but fat there…yea I know fat?? I’m so twiggy I have no fat anywhere.
I think I see…
20 weeks 5 days
Wait, is that shirt sticking out just a little bit? Maybe… Still, 5 months here but my little bump was starting to show itself, at least to me it was. I could see it more in the morning when I just woke up or when I was laying on my belly. I guess with the extra fluid from my bladder it would stick my belly out, even more, it was an uncomfortable feeling though.
See, there is a belly…kinda
23 weeks
Yay 6 months but that’s not much of a belly still… Granted I had just turned 6 months so I couldn’t really expect that much growth yet. I was putting back on some weight though, my arms still look twiggy but not as bad as before. See that’s because I had to be put on medication for my severe nausea and vomiting which had diminished my body weight until I was just 83 lbs, it was not safe for me or my baby and it depressed me that I couldn’t eat or drink anything. I tried, I tried so hard to eat and drink, if you have never gone through Hyperemesis Gravidarum then you have no idea what it’s like to eat and throw up what you eat minutes and hours after you ate it keeping nothing down and still throwing up after everything was gone. My throat was shredded to the point where I was vomiting blood and losing my voice. It was not a pretty time in my life and it was happening from 6 weeks up to now even but it’s better managed now so I don’t vomit blood anymore and my episodes have been vastly reduced.
Now you see it!
25 weeks 2 days
Ah-ha! I told you there was a baby in there, my little bean was growing and now you can see my little bump. I was in the middle parts of 6 months and feeling kicks, punches, and rolling over from my bean. It was strange to see and feel.
Week 25 has been the worse since the first trimester, I am very very nauseous all day long and it’s worse at night, when he moves I get even more nauseous and recently I have been up at 2 am and 4 am in the bathroom fighting the need to vomit, sometimes I just lay on the floor and hope my belly settles, others I sit by the toilet, I sniff the cleaner, I sniff Rubbing alcohol, anything to try to stop it! The computer screen was a trigger so I usually turn it off and stick it under my bed when it’s time to sleep but any light seems to be the problem, my bedroom light, the light from the phone, my cell phone screen, I can’t take them, the moving, and my own nausea. I am up to 4 Zofran a day most of the dose being in the night, not to say mornings aren’t hellish either. I usually dry heave when I wake up and then try to go on with my day. Naveen will definitely be an only child, I can’t see doing this again or even having it worse, most if not all HG moms have it worse with each pregnancy and I don’t think my body can handle another one of these and I doubt very much that I will forget ANY of this.
It’s Getting Bigger
Week 26
Week 26 was a week of whirlwind emotions, was the first time I had ever seen the actual foot press into my belly, it was surprising because I was falling asleep and wasn’t expecting it, scared me awake, to be honest. A couple of days later, I woke up with no nausea and that was weird enough but I didn’t feel you moving much, you were kind of quiet last night too so I poked…… and nothing. I poked again still nothing, poked on the other side. Ok, maybe it was too soft, I shook my belly, you had to have felt that but nope nothing. I was getting scared, I got up still shaking and poking, maybe I would feel something, I was totally scared by the time I got downstairs to tell my sister Lissette that I had to go to the hospital because I couldn’t feel you. I have never cried more in my life than I have cried that day, all the whole time still poking and shaking hoping for something, anything!
While I was busy breaking down, Lissette packed my hospital bag but because she had her kids and Ilya just 1 month old she couldn’t come with me, she called our older sister Leia to come to stay with me. I barely even remember it all because I was out of it, was so scared I had lost my baby after coming so far, through months and months of vomiting and nausea, through going to the ER for IVs. We got to the hospital and it didn’t take them long to roll me up to Labor & Delivery in a wheelchair, they gave me an ultrasound and I absolutely refused to look, didn’t want confirmation of my worst fears but the doctor told me to look and on the screen, I saw the little heartbeat, you were still there, wasn’t moving much but still there. They didn’t like how sluggish you were so they gave me some juice, then a snack because I hadn’t eaten yet. Then they brought me lunch and hooked me up to a machine to check your heartbeat and another ultrasound to fully check you out. After eating so much food and not feeling sick at all I could feel you bouncing all over the place and they could hear your heartbeat and hear you kicking and punching. It was the best and worst day of my life.
Week 27
This is the return of my nausea, it crept back up on me slowly but surely. It started with dry heaves in the morning and progressed to throwing up bile then to actual vomiting. Now I am back to not being able to eat much or drink much. I don’t have any prescription either, I hadn’t been feeling sick at my last appointment so I didn’t ask for a refill. Now that I am so sick again I can’t get in touch with either my doctor or my nurses to get a refill on my anti-nausea meds. My next appointment is all the way in September and I have no idea if I will make it, I will try my hardest but I don’t want to lose any of the weight I had gained. I was 95 lbs before I got pregnant and lost 14 lbs to bring me down to 80 lbs, I am now 91 lbs and fighting to get back to and pass 95 lbs. I want to at least be 105 lbs before 30 weeks. Tomorrow I will be 28 weeks so I only have 2 weeks to gain all that weight.
28 weeks 5 days
I just made it to the Third trimester here, it was August 29, 2013, and I was 7 months pregnant. My belly had gotten much bigger hey, was continuing to gain weight as well although I had a major relapse with the vomiting and nausea, my prescription wasn’t doing anything for me either, I had to up my dosage and stick to a strict schedule so my body would always have medication in the system.
Looking Huge!
Week 29 This week has been even hotter than the last 103-110 degrees?! Braxton Hicks contractions, nearly passing out when I stand up, feeling faint when it takes a while to eat. At least the kids will be going back to school so I won’t have to hear screaming and running. Naveen has also wiggled his way to the bottom so now I’m getting a lot of pelvic pain as well as BH contractions and increase bladder pressure.
Week 30 Still passing out but now I can’t drink anything, no water, no fuze, no juice, not even ice pops are feeling good in my belly. I think my blood sugar is pretty high, I have to stop eating honey on my bread and putting butter on bagels. My appointment confirmed it, my blood sugar is high, I didn’t pass the glucose test so now they have me on the Gestational Diabetes diet which pretty much cuts out a lot of the things they told me to eat to gain weight. The doctor found Naveen’s head low in my pelvis and asked me if I could feel it too, I didn’t feel anything at all and thought he was talking bumpkus. Naveen didn’t much care for it because he started to move around a lot.
Week 31
Still passing out and having BH contractions, my mother is convinced that he will come in late October. My body doesn’t feel like my own anymore, it wants to tip over, I have bad backache, pelvic pain, nausea has come back. I wonder if I will ever feel normal again or if this thing has ruined my life forever. I want to be able to eat, drink, sleep, walk and not feel like I will pass out on the ground. I’m falling into depression again, when have I not been depressed this pregnancy? I’m afraid to know how it will be after he is born, will I ever be able to feel good about myself again? Will I always view him as the cause of all this? Will I love him?
31 weeks
This is me tonight, September 14, 2013, I’m in the last week of 7 months and the countdown has really begun. Just 9 weeks to go until my bean is out of there, I don’t want him coming before he is ready but I am so ready for him to be out. Do you notice how much fatter my arms look? It’s because I am now 95.2 lbs, I have gained back all the weight I lost and gained 2 ounces, it might not sound like a lot but from dropping to 83 lbs and being so sick for so long it is a major victory to me. I hope I continue to gain weight and reach 100 lbs before he is born. I have never been over 98 lbs in my life so being 100 lbs will be a lifelong dream. I wonder how much bigger my belly will get because it is giving me so much backache.
Almost there
32 weeks 5 days, I am almost to the finish line, I can’t wait for this to be over. I am so ready for my baby boy to be sleeping next to me instead of inside me. I want to watch his little face, play with his hair, and just watch the little bugger who gave me so much trouble for over 8 months. It’s almost time for you to make your appearance Navi. Excuse the picture background, we’re doing over the bathroom and it had the best lighting at night so I’m always in there to take pics.
Week 32 Falling even more into my depression, everything hurts, I’m still nauseous, I feel so alone. I’m useless, I can’t do anything and I have no money to buy anything for Naveen. The only positive thing I can say is that I get cards from the women of Beyond Morning Sickness and HelpHer.org, it feels good to know that I’m not alone and that there are people who know what I am going through. It’s more than I get from family…just one phone call or even a note would have made me feel better but I know better than to expect that. I don’t think I have ever been so depressed in my whole life before.
Week 33 Still getting nauseous, especially at night. I take a whole Unisom to help me sleep and it seems to work. I have now developed heart palpations that come on very quickly. I’m ready for him to come out and join the world instead of kicking me up in my belly and making me sick. Get out….but stay put until after my baby shower.
All of these pictures have digital artifacts, my camera was pretty old at this time and it made me sad that I didn’t even know why my pictures had those weird squiggly lines in them.
Yesterday, December 30, 2012, my family and I hiked to the Tidal Pools on the Island of St. Croix, US Virgin Islands.
Let me start off by saying I had never been to the Tidal pools, didn’t know about them until recently even though I was born here and lived here my whole life. That being said I had no idea what I was getting myself into by saying I want to go on this hike.
First I got up around 8 am and started to get ready by having a quick shower, I knew I was going to sweat on the hike, without a doubt, only a mountain goat wouldn’t sweat after walking for 2 hours. Yes, this hike was 2 hours to get to the pools and 2 hours to walk back from the pools. So I showered and started filling my bottles of water, no cold water only room temperature, it wouldn’t do to shock my system by drinking ice cold water after walking in the hot hot sun for so long. Water-ready, I’m ready, got a call that said my cousin wasn’t going to be able to come even though he was the one who knew how to get there and was going to drive some of us down there so we didn’t have to hike. He’s not coming again, so my mother was like “Oh well, I guess we’ll do something else” naturally I was disappointed, I wanted to see these pools and it was a big letdown after waking up so early and filling up the bottles…I didn’t want to stay home or drive around, that’s boring.
I guess my aunt was feeling the same and my brother and other cousin had been there before, they knew the way so we decided to hike it still.
It was a long drive to the road where we would begin the hike, it was located near the Carambola Beach Resort and Spa which is on the West end of the Island and we live more towards the East End of the Island. Yes, the Island is small only 82.88 square miles but when you grow up here it seems very big. When we were close to the resort I started to take some pictures because the view is beautiful, I was happy taking pictures out the car window when I caught a man jogging in one of them, I have no idea who he is but he is now a centerpiece of one of my photos.
We drove up to the road, and started getting out of the cars, there were four cars in total, one car held me, my sister, one niece, and two of my brothers, the other car held my oldest sister, my youngest brother, my mother and my two other nieces. The third car held my aunt, my two cousins, and her two kids, the fourth car held my uncle, my other aunt, and their two kids. There were 19 of us in total and we were ready to hike this thing!
My brother and my cousin would lead the group since they’ve been there before, my sister had also been on the hike before but she stayed in the middle in case the group got separated for any reason. We began walking, and it seemed we had been walking forever, it was fine, I had my water, my bag holding my camera and sd card wasn’t heavy and I had a good pace….until it started going uphill. That was the worst part of the Hike for me, going uphill. I got winded so bad, I honestly believe my heart was going to give out on me right there on the trail, the others were still going and I could see them but I had to take a rest, I wasn’t alone, my cousin stopped beside me and then everyone else stopped ahead, the stragglers came up to us and stopped too. I had been on a hike before, was much earlier in the year but I had done worse, I didn’t pack any water that time so this time I was prepared. I took sips of water and calmed myself, drinking too much water would have made me sick and probably cause me numerous problems on the hike including having to drain fluid somewhere in the bushes…I wasn’t interested in doing that so skip it I did.
Taking our break
The break was over and it was time to move again, it’s been about an hour since we started to walk and some of the group was very tired, I wasn’t feeling too bad after sipping my water, my heart was even back to normal, I did feel a bit fatigued though, we continued walking but on even ground with a few dips here and there, we came upon a beehive of African Killer Bees, everyone had to be very quiet so we can walk past there without agitating the bees. It was very tense because of the little kids, just the slightest sound can bring a bee out of the hive. There we were trying to pass by the hive in single file quietly but rapidly so no one is stuck by there for a long time. We passed there successfully and continued on our journey.
Next, we had to walk by some tall grasses, it was such a pretty view that I stopped to take pictures, I told them to wait for me but they didn’t stop, I was up in the front so I wasn’t too worried about being left behind.
View from the tall grass
I should not have stopped, on the ground were hundreds if not thousands of red ants, and when I stopped they crawled up my legs, I hadn’t noticed but my cousin’s daughter was quick to tell me “You have lots of ants on your legs”, let me tell you the feeling was not pleasant, I started stomping and shaking my legs, brushing them off in hopes of getting these ants off but everywhere we walked there seemed to be more ants, we walked through some very tall grass that reminded me of scenes from the first Jurassic park, it was kind of amusing, the Velociraptors would be the red ants and they were biting!
On and on we walked with these ants just crawling all over the ground and onto our shoes even while walking rapidly, we finally reached a dirt road where there weren’t as many ants and I immediately started stomping my feet and brushing ants from my sneakers, one ant already bit me and I was not going to allow any of the others the chance to taste my flesh. We walked down the dirt road for a good while before coming up to a stony beach, finally, some of the younger kids thought, the beach! But this was not the end of our journey.
Stony beach before the pools
Nope, our journey was to take us over jagged rocks and brave rushing water with big waves, our destination was not this beach. I didn’t even know at the time that the pools were on the other side of the jagged rocks so I took some pictures of the view, and it was a spectacular view, the hills in the background, the water, and the rock outlines made for a beautiful display.
Then is when I learned that the Tidal pools I had walked over such treacherous terrain to view were some ways over on the other side of those rocks that can cut flesh and the waves crashed onto. I was game, terrified of slipping and being taken away to sea but still game. I have never climbed so fast in my life before, I felt like a monkey climbing for its life, clinging onto the rocks and looking for hand and footholds so I don’t fall into the rushing sea. I was thinking to myself is it worth it? I hope it’s worth it or I’ll be so upset.
When I finally reached the other side, the view answered my question.
My brother standing on the jagged rocks
It was worth it, I had never seen such a beautiful rock formation before in my life, the water was reflecting off of the rocks and forming a moving sparkling show for the eyes to behold, the water was clear and you could see fishes of blue and black swimming happily along the bottom of the Tidal pool…this…..this was totally worth, tripping over tree roots, nearly suffering heart failure and being bitten by red ants. I will never forget such natural beauty.
My youngest brother and oldest sister enjoying the Tidal pools
Crucianize 