Crucianize

Category: Life

  • The Selective Mutism Resource Manuel: 2nd Edition and my Thoughts

    So, a couple of days ago I started reading this book because it was suggested in one of my Selective Mutism groups. It’s mostly aimed at parents but I feel like adults who suffer from SM can find it useful as well.

    https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/33127004-the-selective-mutism-resource-manual

    I’m not finished reading it yet but I feel like it’s important to write my thoughts on this book as I read. My first impression is “Wow, someone who actually gets it!”, I would be lying if I said I didn’t get emotional reading this. Most people do NOT get Selective Mutism and hearing the name of the condition Selective gets it in their head that I choose to not talk. It was difficult as a child but I’m finding it even harder now as an adult especially living in a new country. There is something I want to talk about right now and I feel like I’ve processed it enough to actually make the appropriate connections in my life and how my SM developed.

    It is “The trigger”, every child’s SM has a trigger or triggers, most people can’t remember the trigger or triggers because it might be something very routine like family visiting who doesn’t usually come over and pressuring the child to talk to them. For years I have never thought about my triggers because frankly, I didn’t remember. Actually sitting and thinking about my childhood there are three events that are possible triggers.

    1. Left at Relative’s House 1988
    2. Hurricane Hugo 1989
    3. Left Behind in Shopping Center 1990
    4. The Boiling Point- Starting School in 1991

    Left at Relative’s House

    I don’t remember this but I’ve heard enough about it to realize that it was very traumatizing. My family went to the US and I was left at an Aunt’s house, an Aunt I didn’t know and this was the first time I had ever been separated from my family. I’m told I cried until my parents came back. This would have probably been the first trigger. I was only 1 year and some months, my mother doesn’t remember how old I was just that my younger brother born in May 1989 wasn’t around yet.

    Hurricane Hugo

    I also don’t remember this event because I was very young but I heard how stressed and anxious everyone else was, I’ve been through my fair share of Hurricanes and a Category 5 would have been very terrifying for a young child, and add in the fact that I’m very sensitive to other’s emotions I would have no doubt been a wreck. I consider this my second trigger. The after-effects were felt for a long time after. I have memories of going to visit our house and it was still without a roof and the grass was very high.

    Left Behind in Shopping Center

    I shouldn’t have any memories of this but I do have some flashes, I can’t remember most of it but I have memories my parents would not have knowledge of, my parents, my baby brother, and I was were in the Shopping Center and I remember we were walking back to the car. My father was holding my hand while my mother held the baby. When we reached the car my father let go of my hand, he had a gold-colored Corolla and the seats have to go forward so anyone could get into the back and he just goes into the car and sent me around to my mother’s side but she was dealing with the baby and sent me back to my father’s side. He is very easily frustrated and he told me to go back around the car. Here is where it gets fuzzy. I don’t know what happened but I heard from my mother that witnesses said I was holding onto my father’s door handle trying to open it as he was driving away and that I fell in the street almost being hit by a truck that was driving behind. One of our neighbors saw the whole thing and ran and picked me up from the middle of the street.

    I honestly don’t remember his face or being pickled up but I remember walking in the stores with him asking me if I want some candy or a doll. I wasn’t crying I think I was in shock. My parents had left me. I probably didn’t think they were coming back for me.

    My mother said they were nearly home when she realized how quiet the car was and when she looked back I wasn’t in the back seat. I can only imagine the anxiety she experienced because the thought of not finding any of my children in the car is one that frequently gives me anxiety. She asked my father where I was and he in his customary gruff voice answered “What do you mean where is Lynnette? She’s in the back.” My mother no doubt screamed back “No, she’s not!” My mother always gets emotional telling me how scared she was and praying that they would not find an ambulance when they returned to the Shopping center. The sense of relief she felt when she found me standing next to the neighbor must have been immense. I consider this my third trigger.

    The Boiling Point – Starting School

    I was four when I started school, not that young considering both my older sisters had also started at four, but I was the only one who couldn’t talk, I wanted to go to school though. I wanted to go with my sisters but this place was not what I was expecting. Here is where my SM came out in full display and where I should have gotten help but Mental health was nonexistent on my Island. This is where I always looked to when thinking of my life with SM, I always maintained that I had no trauma, no abuse in my life to trigger SM but from 1988 right up to 1991 were not good years for me.

    I don’t really know what knowing my triggers accomplishes for me, I guess it allows me to fully understand the source of my anxiety, I knew some of my abandonment issues came about because of being left in the shopping center but I never took into consideration that it was there before that incident.

    I wonder what else I might ruminate over when reading this book?

  • ZzzQuil Sommeil Ambassadrice

    Cette semaine “3 décembre”, j’ai eu l’occasion de tester ZzzQuil™ SOMMEIL gommes.

    Réclamations ZzzQuil

    • VOUS AIDE À VOUS ENDORMIR NATURELLEMENT. Les gommes ZzzQuil PURE Zzzs vous aident à vous endormir naturellement et à réguler votre cycle de sommeil afin que vous puissiez affronter votre lendemain
    • PAS DE GROGNEMENT LE LENDEMAIN AVEC UN NIVEAU OPTIMAL DE MÉLATONINE. Formulé avec un niveau optimal de mélatonine, qui aide à réguler votre cycle de sommeil afin que vous puissiez vous réveiller frais et dispos
    • MÉLANGE BOTANIQUE NATUREL. Formulé de façon unique avec un mélange d’huiles essentielles botaniques comprenant de la lavande, de la camomille, de la mélisse et de la racine de valériane
    • DES GOMMES À LA VANILLE ET AUX BAIES SAUVAGES. Ces gommes pratiques et savoureuses sont proposées dans un délicieux parfum de vanille aux fruits des bois. Vous aurez hâte de vous endormir, que vous soyez chez vous ou que vous voyagiez dans plusieurs fuseaux horaires.
    • NON-HABITAT EN FORMATION. Les PURE Zzz ne contiennent pas d’arômes artificiels, sont sans médicaments, sans gluten, sans lactose et sans gélatine

    Attention

    La mélatonine est une aide naturelle au sommeil mais elle n’est pas sans effets secondaires, tout le monde n’a pas de problèmes mais ceux-ci peuvent survenir :

    • Somnolence matinale
    • Rêves éveillés
    • Petites variations de la pression artérielle
    • Nausées
    • Maux de tête
    • Étourdissements

    Mes réflexions

    Je ne savais vraiment pas à quoi m’attendre puisque mes autres tentatives d’utilisation d’aides au sommeil, Unisom (De retour dans les îles Vierges américaines) et Donormyl n’ont jamais aidé à dormir, ni même à me fatiguer.

    J’ai décidé d’essayer, les premières nuits, je n’ai pas eu un meilleur sommeil et j’étais sûr que ce serait comme les autres fois, mais le sixième jour, en utilisant les gommes, je me suis endormi et j’ai dormi toute la nuit. Je me suis réveillée en me sentant rafraîchie et j’ai été impressionnée !

    Je n’avais jamais eu une aussi bonne nuit de sommeil depuis que je suis tombée enceinte. J’ai souffert de très graves insomnies pendant ma grossesse.

    Pour vous donner une petite histoire, ma fille ne dort pas de la nuit, je suis debout avec elle presque toutes les nuits pour la nourrir ou la réconforter et j’ai un peu de mal à me rendormir après qu’elle se soit rendormie. Le matin, je me sens souvent très fatiguée et ce n’est pas idéal quand on s’occupe d’un bébé et d’un enfant de 7 ans.

    J’ai beaucoup aimé essayer ce produit. Avant cette campagne, je n’avais jamais entendu parler de ZzzQuil, mais je suis heureux de le faire maintenant parce que j’ai des membres de ma famille qui peuvent bénéficier de l’aide supplémentaire d’une bonne nuit de sommeil.

    Je dois ajouter que cela pourrait ne pas fonctionner pour tout le monde, si vos problèmes de sommeil sont liés à l’anxiété ou à des problèmes hormonaux, ces gommes ne feront rien pour vous.

    Je vous suggère d’aller voir votre médecin pour obtenir de l’aide.

  • Postpartum Bra Shopping

    Postpartum Bra Shopping

    Featured Photo by Uliana Kopanytsia on Unsplash

    Bra shopping used to be one of my favorite things to do when I was younger, I was a 32A from the time I hit puberty right up until I had my son at 26. I don’t normally care for shopping in general but I would browse the Junior bra section for hours finding new bras, I easily had over 10 pairs of bras, one of my biggest problems was that I thought I was too small (thanks society) all the bras I had were more aimed towards younger girls who were just getting their first bras, nothing in the women’s section was in my size. I had never even heard of Sister sizes, if you don’t know what that is stay tuned because I will talk about it further down in this post. I’ll never forget that singular day in school when I overheard two boys talking about girls’ bodies and when one asked about mine the other said “She doesn’t have a body”. That point was later solidified when I was in my mid-twenties and surfing Blackplanet, one of the most popular groups among the men was one where it said something like guys preferred “Bad Grades C, D, E, F”. There was no mistaking that they were talking about breasts and what they considered to be bigger sizes. There I was being bombarded with the idea that men didn’t care for slim women with small breasts and I had no breasts to speak of so they obviously didn’t care for me. I want to say it didn’t bother me but I would be lying, I didn’t care about attracting anyone but the thought that I was unattractive was troubling. I often wished for bigger breasts (silly, silly goose) just to be thought of as feminine. I should explain that I was very much a tomboy before this hyper-awareness of my “lack of body”, I frequently wore baggy jeans, big shirts, backward caps, I hanged out with my brothers and cousins all the time so I was essentially one of the guys, I didn’t care for skirts and dresses and all those girly things my parents said was for girls. I was happy as I was even though people often asked me what I was…

    Despite the occasional wishful thought for bigger breasts, I was fine, I began wearing dresses and skirts and cultivating a feminine side that isn’t hyper-feminine. I wore make-up but not a full face, I still don’t know how to blend eyeshadow or know what half those toners and cc creams, and serums are for but I’m fine with who I am.

    When I was pregnant with my son, I joined a few Birth Boards and one common theme was women’s breasts growing and leaking milk, I didn’t experience any of this, I guess my body was too busy trying to provide nourishment for my baby. I didn’t think it would happen to me but it did.

    One day I had my baby and the next I had my breasts. I remember it so vividly, I woke up with HUGE (in my eyes) breasts, my milk had come in and I began to leak like crazy, it’s a good thing my son was exclusively breastfed because this was crazy. It’s funny the things you learn about your body after having a baby. No one ever told me about Letdowns but up to this day, I can still remember the tingle I’d get, and then the leaking would begin. My usual 32A bras were not going to do so we quickly went shopping and I ended up with a C cup, I don’t really remember what band size it was but it was probably wrong.

    My son nursed for one and a half years, I originally wanted to do baby-led weaning but I ended up pregnant and in the hospital for 4 days and after that, he just lost interest in nursing. There I was fresh from the hospital without another baby and my first baby didn’t want to nurse anymore. I was sad we wouldn’t have that bond anymore and fine with it at the same time because I wouldn’t have to be nursing him all hours of the day and night.

    With the end of nursing, I found that I needed to buy new bras once again. Here was a new problem though French bras don’t use the same system as the US bras, both the cup and band sizes seem to be bigger letters and numbers, what should be a C is actually a D, and what is a 34 is actually a 90! Imagine my shock when I go from a 34D to a 95E but they are the same exact size. I think everything about the sizing system over here made me think I was bigger, fatter than I actually am. To find a good bra my husband and I looked up international size conversion charts and then I just tried on different bras until I found one that fit.

    I was content with my bras, they mostly fit but it seemed I kept having to buy a new one as soon as I got used to my newer bigger size. Sometimes I ended up with a really good fitting bra and buy two different colors but one of them doesn’t fit, right? I don’t understand how that happens but it did several times. Some of my biggest bra issues in the last year were falling straps, too tight band, and gaps at the top of the bra where it should have been flush against my skin. I thought I was at the biggest reasonable size but boy was I wrong. One day in my mom group one of the other moms posted about a Reddit group called A Bra That Fits and there was a calculator you could use to find the right-sized bra for your body. You can find the Calculator here. I don’t remember what the calculator said was the ideal size for me but I remember thinking they were joking because it was a smaller band than I was currently wearing but a bigger cup, I decided to do some more reading on the group and learned all kinds of interesting things. Your size it seems isn’t the most important aspect of finding a bra that fits it’s the shape of your breasts. It’s a lot to get into and if you want to read more I suggest heading over to the subreddit and reading the beginners guide. This is my most recent results from the calculator: 28FF/G in the UK, 75H in French sizes, and 28F in the US.

    These are not full charts they are aimed mostly at showing how I found my French and European size from the US or UK size. If you are interested in seeing a full chart I suggest Googling International Size charts, there are lots of different charts available.

    75H is not a very common size to find here in France, most if not all the common stores only go up to Cup size E, and if you’re lucky you can find band size 110. Here is where knowing your Sister sizes come in handy. A sister size is a bra that is either a larger or smaller band but the same cup volume, for instance, I can’t find a 75H here but I can usually find a 90E, 95D, or 100C, these are all Sister sizes meaning they might fit me just as well or better than my original size. You’ll notice I omitted 80G and 85F, well that’s because they are not readily available which I had the pleasure of finding out when I needed a new bra after starting to breastfeed my daughter and I couldn’t go into the store to try on any bras during the pandemic so my poor husband had to go in and try to find one of the numbers I tell him. I sent him to find a 75H, no, 80G? no, 85F? no, what about 90F? it looks like it would fit. Fine, and it was for like a few months until I looked at the calculator again and realized it was not the correct size!

    This is not a full chart, I focused mostly on the Sister sizes of my own results, to find a chart suitable for you I recommend Googling Sister Sizes with your Country name on the end. I also limited the sizes to what I found was mostly available at the sites I frequent.

    Now I have the right Sister sizes I ordered bras more suitable for my shape and fullness, I’m hopeful that I have finally found my bra that fits!

  • Trip to Correns and more

    Welcome back or if you’re visiting for the first time hello.

    The last time I posted “The Last of them” my grandfather had just passed away and I was not in a good frame of mind. I’m doing better now, not 100% but I don’t feel like closing myself up in a deep dark hole, I got the space I needed to grieve and I’m thankful for that.

    One of my nieces went on vacation to the beach and my son wanted so badly to join her but the closest beach to us is almost 5 hours away! There’s no way we’d travel that far to go to the beach. Or so I thought…

    On Monday, all smug like, my son said to me “we’re going to the beach tomorrow”, Yeah right, I thought, we’re not going anywhere but his father didn’t say anything to me, then again his father waits until the very last minute to tell me anything. I’m sitting there contemplating this information and whether or not I can trust it when Marvin comes home and asks Naveen if he told me.

    Told me?

    Told me what?

    Naveen said “yes, I tell Mama”, you mean it’s true? We’re going to the beach tomorrow?

    Apparently.

    I had a rough night, Oyanie kept waking up even though she was sleeping for a good six hours, this night she decided four hours was good enough. So there I was on Tuesday morning, tired as hell and have to get up to start packing and making sure we don’t forget anything.

    Everything checked and double-checked, we were on our way, on our to where? I didn’t know. I just knew we were going to the beach. I mentioned before that my husband doesn’t tell me anything until the last minute? Well for trips he doesn’t tell me where we are going at all… I think he works under the misinformation that I like surprises, nothing could be further from the truth, after 10 years I’ve just accepted that he likes surprising me. I’ve never hated any of his surprises so I’ll allow it.

    First, we stopped to get gas, can’t drive for so long on an empty tank eh, that done we started our long drive to the beach, at first I was admiring the scenery as we drove but that quickly turned to fatigue as we continued driving, we’d been driving for almost two hours when I felt the car slowing down, I didn’t see it ok, I fell asleep, it was a very long drive. We took a little break so we could stretch our legs, eat and drink, and just rest for a bit. We still had about two hours left of driving to go. I was curious about what kind of hotel we would be staying in this time and anticipating just dropping onto the bed and staying there for however long I would need. Sitting in the car for so long had made my back ache like there was no tomorrow.

    With our little break over we were back on the road again, this passed by like a blur, I remember a lot of trees and buildings and then water, some of the water was greenish colored but the closer we got to our destination the bluer the color became.

    Finally, we arrived at our destination, this wasn’t like any hotel I’d ever seen before because it wasn’t, we were staying in someone’s air b&b?

    It was an apartment of sorts, the door was one of those really old European doors, an ancient wooden panel with a round knob that looks like it might fall off at any moment, it didn’t though, these doors are pretty strong despite their appearance. Inside was a kitchen slash dining slash living area. Kind of like what we have at home, there’s no definition of space in the homes I’ve visited here in France. There was an upstairs, where I assume were the bedrooms and bathroom but there was one problem.

    The stairs looked like something out of my worst nightmare…

    Apparently, Naveen felt the same because he refused to climb the stairs, we had no choice though, the beds were upstairs and the toilet which we would need sooner or later. His father helped him climb the ladder, I refuse to call it stairs, I followed behind gingerly placing my feet on each rung and holding onto the railing as my life depended on it. If you think going up that monstrosity was bad, going down it was worse, each rung was so narrow I had to try to climb down sideways so my feet could find purchase on each slender step. The worse thing about this was when I had to go up or down with Oyanie in my arms, There I was with my tiny baby held tightly in one arm and the other wrapped around the railing and trying to gauge how far down each step was from the other.

    Naveen became a pro at the stairs, he went up and down like they were nothing, me? No such thing, I took the stairs only if I really needed to otherwise I was fine to stay upstairs or downstairs wherever I was at the moment.

    We didn’t end up going to the beach the first day because it would take another hour and we had reacher too late to go to the beach. We did visit an old wash station where there was a river flowing through. Naveen told his father he didn’t want to go to the beach anymore, he was content to stay here and enjoy the river, we didn’t come all this way for the river though. We were going to drive to the beach the next day.

    A semi-good night’s sleep, Ms. Oyanie was up every four hours again, we had breakfast and relaxed a bit before heading to the beach around noon. The drive was interesting, we followed a canal of water along a very small road, you literally had to ride the wall to let another car pass, at the end of the canal was the beach.

    I’ll be completely honest, being from the Caribbean I grew up with white sand, blue waters, literally beaches of your dreams, this, was not it. First things first, the sand, more like dirt was speckled with something gold that felt like dust on your skin if it touched you. The water was not beckoning at all, add in that there were so many people there, my anxiety went sky high and I was content to stay on the bench we scored under the very shady tree. Marvin asked me if I wanted to go in the water and it was a big no. I’m fine love.

    We spent about two hours there, Naveen enjoyed himself immensely, Oyanie stayed with me most, and Marvin went in the water with Naveen, everybody enjoyed themself and it was time to drive back to the apartment.

    Had an okay night, it was time to head back home which meant another long drive, strangely, going up and down those horrifying stairs gave me muscle aches in my legs, I will not miss them at all. And because I completely forgot that Oyanie made five months yesterday I decided to take some pictures, she was not cooperating at all so I got many many very similar pictures lol. I thought I had settled on the best picture but I felt like the background was too busy and you couldn’t see her face well enough so I moved locations and voilà, the month 5 picture.

    This drive I did better, I didn’t fall asleep so I saw some cool things like this church? on top of the hill, not sure you can really see it in the picture.

    Also saw this really cute tiny castle on a roundabout.

    Finally, we were back home!

    This trip wasn’t the only thing I was up to, I also found this really interesting app on the app store, you upload a picture and people try to guess where you are from, it said to input the furthest back your ancestry went so I entered France and Nigeria. Trying out the app I realized that I really can’t tell where people are from, I get lucky sometimes but for the most part, I guess very wrongly.

    Here’s what people guessed for me:

    The last interesting thing I have to talk about is a secret campaign I was selected for. I can’t say what I’m supposed to review yet but when the package arrived I’ll write a post about it. Stay tuned for that!

    Alright, that’s all, for now, see you guys later!

  • The last of them

    Leen

    That’s what my grandfather would call me. Said in his Dominican (Dominica) accented English.

    I have so many wonderful memories of him and with him. I can still hear him calling my brother Andre Champagne or hear him playing the guitar with us children gathered round in that little house in Peter’s Rest.

    I can see his photography hanging on the walls of my parent’s home. It was through him that I developed a love of photography, I always hoped that I could someday be as good as he was, I haven’t used my camera in a very long time and that makes this so much worse to me.

    I remember the Werther’s candy he always had for us kids. I loved them and will always think of my Grandpa when I see them. They don’t taste the same but I’ll buy a pack the next time I see one and just pretend for a moment that it’s the same one you used to share.

    I remember that one year when you had so many Sonic the Hedgehog tops, my brothers and I would color on a piece of paper, cut it out to fit on top of the top, and watch the pretty patterns it would make as it spun in a circle.

    I remember the last time I saw you, 2015, my mother brought me and my son to see you before we left the island for France. You held onto us and prayed for our safe journey.

    I didn’t grow up knowing my great grandparents but I’ll be damned if my children don’t know about their great grandfather Norbert.

    My grandfather was my last living grandparent, he fought that cancer for 18 long months, every message from home I dreaded those words, I knew it was coming but still…

  • Mute Again: A Poem

    It’s been a good writing day, I believe I’ve spoken about my Wattpad account before where I have three published works, one super short story Vishal and two poetry-based works Tales of An Introverted Expat and The Silence Inside Me.

    I updated the cover of The Silence Inside Me and added a new poem.

    Cover art by Melanie Wasser on Unsplash

    The title of the poem is Mute Again and I’ll share it here with you.

    Mute Again

    I was doing good, I was talking to the world, my words were finally being heard and I could express my every thought, and then…

    Then I moved.

    To another country where they didn’t speak my language and I didn’t speak theirs.

    I was back at square one.

    I studied every day, I watched all the movies, all the videos, I listened to music, I read so many stories.

    And yet…

    Here I am.

    Mute again.

    Another group of people who don’t understand.
    Another group of people who label me, unfriendly, snobby, shy.

    I want to scream, I’m not shy, I’m not unfriendly, I’m not a snob.

    But once again.

    My words fail me, they stay lodged in the back of my throat, they abandon me when I need them the most.

    I just want to be free.

    Free to speak, free to show my emotions, free to be me.

    But here I am again.

    Locked in my own mind.

    Here I am looking for those who know, those who understand, those who feel as I do, those silent people with so much to say.

    My people.

    Hope you enjoyed it and if you’re interested in reading more you can visit my profile LLDove.

  • The Fathers in my Life

    Today is Father’s Day, a day I usually don’t care for because of my own weird relationship with my father, so, today I’m going to talk about the many father figures I’ve had in my life and how they lead me to the father in my children’s lives.

    My Father

    Me and my father 1987-1988

    My father is not an easy man to understand, some days you wonder if he even cares, I’ve spoken a bit about this in The Useless Sibling and the truth is it was so much worse, the other day someone asked me what was the best feature of my father that I looked for in a man and I just couldn’t think of one. Almost everything I thought of was something I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be treated as a mistake in my partner’s life and I sure as hell didn’t want him to view or children as playthings for his public persona. That saying that a father is a girl’s, first love? Not even close to being true for me.

    Two of my most vivid memories are of my parents fighting, one where my mother was going to leave the house and had her keys in her hand and my father grabbed her arm and was pulling it like he was going to break it, I jumped on his back and started pummeling him while I yelled for my brothers, my oldest brother came with a broomstick and my father finally let go of our mother. The second incident I don’t remember as well but I remember my mother bitting into his arm and he was hitting her in the head trying to get her loose.

    These were just two extremes but they fully cemented in my head that I didn’t want a relationship like this. I didn’t want a man like this, I wasn’t even sure I ever wanted to get married, all the marriages in my life save one was toxic, cheating, children on the outside, fighting, just a lot of toxicity.

    Uncle Luis

    Now I’ll talk about that one good marriage in my life, one of my mother’s sisters, Aunty Cathy, married my Uncle Luis, from the very first time I remember meeting him he has always been very nice to me. With my Selective Mutism, I didn’t speak to him, I remember feeling very shy around him for a long time but that didn’t change how he treated me, he would talk to me, show interest in my drawings, try my failed attempts at sodas haha, he did everything my father didn’t. My uncle out of everyone in my life is who I based the ideal mate on. My aunt and uncle lived with us for a while and those were good days, I felt heard and seen, I had a good male figure in my life and he treated my aunt really well.

    The day they moved out was one of the saddest in my life, it meant I would go back to being ignored or yelled at for just existing. Even though he no longer lived with us I never forgot the way my uncle treated me, I would look forward to their visits every time.

    My Husband

    Before I met my husband I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married or have children, I was pretty content in the fact that I would be single Aunty Lynnette, the cool and strict aunt. For whatever reason, my cousins believed I was a traveling girl? Meaning that I had many boyfriends and several sexual encounters. That couldn’t be farther from the truth, I didn’t do much as kiss a guy until my husband.

    I mean sure I had lots of male friends but they were just friends, I also didn’t meet any of them in real life, my mother says I’m pretty unobservant because a lot of them were flirting with me but I never noticed it? I like my friends, they’re good men but not for me, they weren’t like my uncle none of the guys I met were like my uncle so definitely not someone I would be interested in forming a permanent bond with.

    I spoke a bit about how I ended up with my husband in My Truths. Before we even had children I saw how he was with his niece and how he was with my nieces, it reminded me so much of my beloved uncle and they were both tall and wore glasses, if this wasn’t the universe talking to me I don’t know what it was.

    Marvin and Chacha

    One of my nieces was so taken with Marvin that she started calling him Daddy, I routinely call her his first child haha, I have to say that even though I was determined to find a man nothing like my father, Marvin and my father shared several similar tastes and qualities. I somehow found a man that was a balance between my father and my uncle.

    The most notable quality between my father and Marvin? Determination. I swear I’ve never seen two people who would never give up until they have accomplished what they set out to do.

  • My Weekend in Annecy

    My Weekend in Annecy

    Annecy, a city found in the Haute-Savoie department of France. It’s located in the southeastern part of France, where Lake Annecy feeds into the Thiou River, this city has been on my bucket list for a few years.

    I especially wanted to see Lake Annecy, La Vieille Ville, Pont des Amours, and Palais de l’Ile.

    We left on Saturday around 12 pm, the drive took around 2hrs, the weather was not the best, it was overcast and pretty chilly, yes, chilly in June! We’ve been having temperatures in the 50s which are about 12° Celsius.

    As we were driving my son would get really excited seeing the clouds covering the mountains and driving through mist.

    The most exciting thing though was driving through the mountains! I don’t mean over the mountains either, we drive through tunnels that went through the belly of the mountains, twice, and each time it was crazy.

    Yeah, yeah, you might have don’t this before, probably many times, for us especially coming from an island without any mountains it was something really special to see and experience. I only wish I had taken a picture.

    We reached the hotel about 2:55 or so, it was raining a bit and my husband realized we had forgotten the baby carrier, so there we were sans stroller and carrier so my husband had to heft the bag with our stuff and the little miss.

    We hurried into the hotel and quickly got our room key, strangely enough, there was only one key so we either had to all go out at the same time or some go and others stay behind. It was an ok hotel from the little I saw on our way to the room, there was a game room where Naveen wanted to spend some time. The elevator ride was terrible, it was so jerky, and I got bad motion sickness.

    When we arrived at the room I noticed it was kind of small, there were two full-size beds, one fairly close to the door and the other closer to the opposite wall, Naveen was only too happy to have such a big bed all to himself. I think miss lady believed the other one was for her.

    We took a little rest, change Oyanie’s diaper and feed her then we were off!

    First, we stopped at Burger King so that the bigger people could eat then we visited the lake, the rain was still coming down because we were closer to the lake the wind was really strong and those two things made it pretty cold.

    Without the carrier, Oyanie ended up wrapped in her father’s coat, we tried to keep her as warm as possible while taking in the sights.

    The Pont des Amours wasn’t far from the lake, just had to keep walking and there we were, a little ways from the bridge I spotted a giant bow and arrow. I haven’t been able to find any information on it yet but I probably am not searching for the right terms.

    Pont des Amours
    Giant Bow and Arrow

    Naveen was only too happy to have space to run around and explore. He wanted to keep walking but it was still raining and Oyanie was getting tired. We decided to head back to the hotel.

    For dinner we had pizza from Domino’s, it’s been many years since I’ve had a pizza from there, I found the pizzas to be pretty small, we ordered two and had really tiny containers of ice cream and some kind of dessert with chocolate. I didn’t eat the chocolate dessert. The ice cream was enough for me.

    It was a bit difficult to get Oyanie to sleep and after trying and trying she finally went to sleep but I ended up not being able to fall asleep, I don’t know if I was too hot or if I was just too wired to sleep, whatever it was I ended up just laying there twisting and turning the whole night.

    My phone was charging in Marvin’s side of the bed and I didn’t want to wake anyone up trying to reach so I tried to wait patiently until everyone woke up. Thankfully Marvin woke up long enough to hand me my phone.

    Finally, everyone was up and it was time to check out of the hotel but first Oyanie got a bottle.

    I hadn’t noticed it before when we arrived but downstairs in the lobby, there’s a statue of a red cow.

    Everyone was hungry so we decided to go to the bakery, unfortunately, the bakery had a long line as they only allowed one customer in at a time, we were too hungry to wait in line so we took a walk looking for other places to eat.

    Every so often Marvin would stop to look at menus or Naveen would watch stalls with people selling toys.

    Finally, after walking for what seemed like forever, we went into French Coffee Shop, Marvin asked me what I wanted and I looked over the offerings. There were lots of muffins and some other things but what caught my attention was the cheesecake. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before but I love cheesecake, if I see it I will always want it, so when Marvin asked me again what I wanted without hesitation I said cheesecake.

    Now, things could have gone either good or bad because not everyone can make cheesecake.

    Thankfully, this was not the case, nope, this cheesecake was delicious, it was utterly divine like if anyone would have tried to ask me to taste some I’d stuff the whole thing in my mouth or lick it.

    I had to restrain myself from licking the cardboard but I sure did lick the spoon. Breakfast over with, we walked back to the car and began the drive to go home.

    Now, we’re home, I’m very tired so will probably end this here.

  • My Truths: Learning To Accept My Asexuality

    This is going to be a heavy piece, it will involve speech about molestation, if that’s one of your triggers I’d suggest skipping this post, with that said I’m going to talk about something that I’ve talked a little about before but never in my blog. I want to change that, I want to speak my truth so others can understand certain aspects of my life and how I’ve processed it.

    So, here we go…

    This is a memory that is clear as day in my head even though it happened over twenty years ago.

    Imagine if you will, this thin, small child, five almost six years old, quiet, she doesn’t say a thing. Expressionless the whole day. This vulnerable innocent child was me.

    It was a new school, new people, new everything, I was in first grade and still mute even though they said children are only shy at first. The class was about twenty students maybe more maybe less, the size didn’t important, the children aren’t either, except for two. A boy and a girl.

    I had no interactions with these two, never sat near them, never played with them, but these two affected me in a way nothing else has ever done.

    It was not a normal day, we were not in class, no, we were in the school’s cafeteria. There was an event going on but I can’t remember what it was about, doesn’t matter, I was sitting at a table far away from everyone except for the boy E and the girl K. I can’t remember the names of the other students but I remember these two, I don’t know how I feel about their names, a curious thing, I don’t hate it but I won’t speak it. Ever.

    I don’t know why but K decided to notice me that day, maybe it’s because we were so far apart from everyone else but she was sitting right next to me.

    It’s going to get a bit graphic and I apologize but she stuck her hand under my skirt and fondled me, she pulled her hand out and said: “smell yourself”. I had never had the inappropriate touch talk, no, that came later, so, as you can no don’t tell I was confused and didn’t know what to do. The boy E never touched me but he did not tell her to stop either, instead what he did was laugh and I didn’t understand that either.

    I never told anyone about what happened, not my best friend, not my parents, I think I wanted to forget it ever happened. I buried it so far that I just never thought about it. That is until I was in my early 20s. I was talking to someone about rape and molestation and it was like opening a door. I remembered everything all at once.

    It explained why I had an aversion to being friends with girls, why I never felt comfortable around them, why I felt different from my peers.

    I talked about being The Useless Sibling but now I knew why. I up to this day have trouble accepting hugs and being touched, I still feel a little uncomfortable around women and I honestly don’t feel attraction. I honestly thought I was asexual because I’ve had people I thought were attractive I’ve never envisioned anything other than being friends, I had one or two I’ve called boyfriend but in truth, it was just in name. I have never wanted to be physical with any of them.

    The day I met my husband was like being awakened, it’s corny as hell but I often wondered what it would feel like just to be held. We lived in different countries then so there was no way to find out. The day he asked to visit, I swear I almost fainted, I asked my parents and they were fine. Yes, I still lived at home so when my husband came to visit he met all my family at once.

    That first day was full of nerves, this guy I’d spent two years chatting to was finally here, the first time in my life I felt like a woman and I wanted to explore.

    Demisexual, you don’t feel attraction until you’ve formed a deep connection, I now had an answer for my lack of interest in guys other than being friends.

    On the subject of friends, although I’m still a little uncomfortable, I now have a few women I call friends.

    I won’t allow a girl who was most probably being molested herself to dictate who I can and can’t be friends with.

    Oh, if you’re not following the Facebook page be sure to click the link button below, I had mentioned that I would do a special post for Father’s day so be on the lookout for that.

    Crucianize Facebook

  • Oyanie Made Two Months!

    Yes guys, just like that Oyanie made two months!

    She actually made two months yesterday and I forgot to post it.

    my bad

    Madame Oyanie can roll from her belly onto her back but has yet to master rolling from her back to her belly. She smiles occasionally and never when I have my camera. I’ll get a picture one day…

    She is starting to”talk” to us but she prefers to stare with those big beautiful eyes.

    I honestly can’t believe it’s been two months already, it feels like she’s been here forever.