The time had come at last for Oyanie to go to Crèche, we visited on Monday to have a little tour and for Oyanie to meet some of the staff.
It’s not a big crèche which I find suits my personality, smaller and more intimate makes it not as anxiety provoking.
As usual I’m only following half of the conversation because I still have trouble with spoken French, from what I gathered I was to bring her on Tuesday for a little trial run. I was immediately drenched in despair, we’ve only walked to the crèche once and that was months ago, I didn’t remember how to get there. I looked at Google maps but the route was unfamiliar and I don’t do well in unfamiliar places. I get lost easily even in my own neighborhood if I don’t see familiar buildings. Another thing that bothered me is that my husband didn’t tell the staff that I was situationally non verbal, telling people I don’t speak French makes them assume I can speak which unfortunately isn’t always the case. I can manage a bonjour but that’s it.
I went to sleep wracked with anxiety and dread, we had agreed that I would take her in the afternoon since mornings are not so good good me. I barely slept, I woke up extremely tired and shaking, my hands trembled even though I was in my own home alone with my child, I didn’t eat anything, I couldn’t, I fed Oyanie, got her ready and I sat and tried to find a route to the crèche from home that would be familiar to me. I spent hours looking at the map using the steps feature, I left my house virtually at least 20 times and thought maybe, I can do this. I was not confident but I was going to try.
This isn’t a picture from yesterday, I forgot to take one but I love this picture and feel it portrays how she acted.
It was time, we left home and walked down our route but looking at Google and actually walking are two completely different things, I ended up lost and far away from where we should be. I didn’t recognize the area at all and to be honest, I was friggin scared, I had no one to ask and even if there was someone I couldn’t ask them anything. I just stood there looking at my Google map and trying to figure out how to get to the crèche or how to get back home. I tried to turn around and retrace my steps but that was difficult given that I didn’t even know where I was. I was fighting back tears and pushing the stroller hoping to see something familiar. Finally I got to a street I recognized and as quickly as I could went back home.
I broke down, I cried and I cried, I felt like a complete failure, I’m 35 years old and I can’t even do this, I forgot to mention that I did text my husband and told him I was lost and he asked me to show him where I was but I couldn’t do anything other than get back home at that moment. I didn’t feel safe, I was overwhelmed and lost and too many things and emotions were swirling at that moment. I replied once I was no longer crying and told him I was home. He tried to help me find the crèche but telling me something is on the right is like telling me a mathematical equation, I don’t know what right and left is, I can’t give or follow directions. I don’t know what south, east, north, or west is. I know my limitations and I know that feeling me to turn right here and then left there is just going to be me getting lost again.
I only take one route to school because it’s the only route I know, I don’t go an adventures alone because I know I will get lost, I need reliable routes that I recognize so I can stick to my routine otherwise nothing makes sense to me.
I know most people won’t get it and that’s fine because I know there are those who will get it and will understand.
So today, I might not have made it to my destination but I wasn’t a failure, I attempted something I never did before, I made it out of the house and I put myself into a position that I should have never had to be in but I survived.
At the end we decided to try again tomorrow, my husband told me an easier route, my son would be home with me, and I felt a little better about the situation.
I didn’t look at the map this time, there was no need, my husband explained it and I knew what I had to do, I had a new routine and I felt comfortable, we left the house and this time we made it to the crèche.
We’re not supposed to arrive early which is something I always do because I hate getting somewhere late. We had to wait until they opened the gate which was aggravating for me because that meant I was losing time that I hadn’t accounted for. Once they opened the gate and let us in I took Oyanie out of her stroller and brought her inside the building. We took off her coat, gave her her doudou and said goodbye.
She didn’t even look back, didn’t cry, didn’t make a fuss, just left to go play with her new friends.
Naveen and I started the walk back home and it takes us about 29 minutes so we had only a few minutes to sit before we had to go pick up Oyanie again.
This time she did cry, she screamed and threw a fit because she didn’t want to leave, she wanted to stay and play with her new friends. I was happy for her, she always want to play with the little kids at the school and now she has her own friends to play with.
They asked her if she wanted to come back the next day and stay for longer and she said yes. So now I’m going to take her back on Thursday to stay for two hours.
Summer has come and gone so quickly, I thought I was going to accomplish more but life showed me that I shouldn’t make plans for the future.
I meant to post this in early September when the school year had just started but we’re now heading into the fifth week of school and it’s almost October. I’ve been very behind on my blogging, but I’m here to share my update now.
My daughter is two and a half years old and she could have gone to school this September if only she was potty trained, I said to myself that I was going to potty train her over the summer break but she’s just not ready. She won’t sit on the potty, she doesn’t really say when needs to pee or poop, and she doesn’t say that she has a dirty diaper. If I don’t smell it or change her frequently she would be fine to just sit in her dirty diaper all day.
People told me that girls were easier to potty train than boys but I’m not seeing any truth in this, my son would at least sit on the potty my daughter just refuses, she will cry and scream if you even suggest it so I don’t.
I bought her some underwear to wear but she goes through them so fast that I’m beginning to see that I need much more than 20.
Slowly but surely we’ll get there so I’ll be trying not to stress too much about this.
Other than potty training woes we didn’t really do much or go anywhere.
The Village
We’ve been to The Village before, several times in fact but not frequently so we took the kids there so they could run around in the play area and have some summer fun.
After the children played we visited The Waffle Factory which is a restaurant that serves only waffles. I got waffles covered in white chocolate and Naveen got waffles and whipped cream. My husband had waffles covered in milk chocolate. Oyanie refused to eat any of the waffles and choose to drink all the lemon water instead. The waffles were a bit difficult to cut especially with the flimsy wooden fork and knife they gave us. Marvin was in the middle of cutting his waffle when his fork snapped. I joked and said he used all his muscles on it.
The Aquarium
Going to the aquarium has been a dream of mine since moving here and we finally got to go.
We decided to go in the afternoon, the drive there probably took us half an hour and we spent two hours vising all that tanks and watching short movies, Naveen and Oyanie seemed to have really enjoyed themselves and Naveen made sure to tell me all about the fishes he saw and the sharks were one of his favorites to see.
Naveen was really excited when he saw a Blue Tang, he told me he saw Dory but no Neemo, a couple of tanks over I spotted a clownfish swimming in and out of an anemone and pointed it out to him when he yelled out Mami look Neemo! it made me really happy that he could see these fish in person.
Pool time
Since we are not near to any beaches and were not planning of traveling to one this year we made do with going to my in-laws and enjoying their pool.
Both of my children love the water and do not want to leave the pool anytime they get in it. Naveen definitely got a sun tan with all his sun exposure while swimming around with my husband’s cousins as well as their own cousins.
Back to School
Back to School for us was on September 1st. Naveen is in CM1 which is the French equivalent to 4th grade. Oyanie and I had to wake up early to take him to school, pick him up for lunch, drop him back after lunch, and pick him up after school.
It was the worst experience of my life, there were so many people jammed in front of the gate all trying to force their way in to drop their children off. I felt very uneasy with people stepping over the stroller or standing right up against my back, someone even touched my butt and I hated every second I had to spend waiting in that crowd of bodies.
The second day I decided I would leave the stroller home and we’d just walk until it was lunchtime Oyanie said her feet were “fatigués” which sounded like fatigee to my ears. I thought that if she was so tired I’ll just use the stroller next time but she refused so we walked again after school she was really tired and I got the stroller out which she did not like at all. Oyanie, when she doesn’t get a chance to nap, is a monster, she screamed, she cried, she threw things, I thought for sure she would sleep in the stroller but she did not and I don’t know how to include a nap into our busy schedule. If I let her nap after we drop Naveen off after lunch I’ll have to wake her up during her nap and she hates that just as much.
I really hope I won’t have such a busy schedule next week because we both need her to have her afternoon nap.
The 2nd week
The 2nd week went by much more smoothly, we don’t use the stroller at all anymore but sometimes I wish we did, when Oyanie’s little legs get tired of walking or she stumbles and falls she wants me to pick her up and carry her on my hips and walk is a workout, when we finally reach home my whole body is sore, my shoulders ache, my back ache, my legs ache, I know she won’t go in the stroller even if I bring it though. I have also gotten used to not having to try to find space to push the stroller through.
My baby absolutely loves picking up her brother at school, she gets to walk on her own, she points out all the airplanes she sees, they are her favorites, she gets really excited when she sees one in the sky and will scream with joy and point at it. She also likes stopping to smell the flowers and picks one every chance she gets, she almost always ends up dropping it before we reach the school when Naveen finally walks out the gate she runs up to him and hugs him saying “Vee-veen!”.
I am unimportant from that point forward, she wants to hold her brother’s hand, run with him, follow him, play with him, she wants to do everything with him, unfortunately, Naveen is hitting pre-teen years which means he doesn’t always want to be with his baby sister. He will ignore her, not hold her hand or tell her to leave him alone and it breaks her heart. She cries so much when does that and then she finally remembers me and comes to me for comfort.
I remember those days so well from my own youth, my sisters frequently pushed me to the side and made me feel unwanted, I had my brothers though and I made sure never to make them feel like I didn’t want them around. I can’t force Naveen to play with his sister though, he will be nine and I recognize and understand that he needs his personal space. Still, I also recognize that with only two children they are pretty much the only close family either one will have and Oyanie just wants to spend time with her brother. I have not yet figured out a way to navigate this turbulent sea. My mother never forced my siblings and me to play together but sometimes I wished she had, maybe it wouldn’t have taken us so long to finally get along.
I am or used to be an avid reader, I used to read about 100 books a year and always wanted a Kindle so that I could bring all my books with me instead of trying to bring several physical books.
Since I found out about ebooks I would read on my phone usually with the Kindle app or an E-reader app like Moon+Reader but I wanted an actual e-reader because it was better for your eyes and I would get terrible eye strains reading on my phone for hours.
It was actually a gift request I had for years and my husband bought me a really cheap off brand e-reader that couldn’t even load my books or Kindle app. He tried his best but a Prestigio is not a Kindle. This Prestigio would frequently freeze or not load and I would get so frustrated with it, when buying an E-reader that’s inexpensive go for the inexpensive not cheap because cheap is always lost money even if it was just 40€.
So after years and years of wanting a Kindle in June 2021 I finally bought one when it was on sale!
I was so happy, a dream that finally came through, I immediately side loaded my books from Google play and other epubs I had gotten over the years and synced my Kindle library, over 100 books and not even a dent in the memory!
But my happiness was not to be…
My daughter was one at the time and I foolishly left the Kindle on the bed side table where she could reach it. I had only received the Kindle two days before this post.
I looked everywhere for the Kindle, in the dirty clothes hamper, behind the bed side table, under the bed, under her crib, I did not look in the bag of dirty diapers before I threw it away and after the fact I was so scared she had put it in there.
Almost a year went by and I had given up hope that I would ever find the Kindle, I was trying to figure out if I should just buy a new one but I’d have to wait for it to go on sale again and I had no idea when that would be. I tried to go back to reading on my phone but it just wasn’t the same.
And then it happened.
When they say you find something when you least expect it they are not lying, I was going through some of my daughter’s old clothes to see what to get rid off and there my Kindle was in the bag, I don’t even remember this bag of clothes being in the bedroom where she could reach.
Needless to say I don’t leave my Kindle where she can reach, most of the time, sometimes I forget but I always remember at the least minute because it takes one time for your Kindle to be abducted and hidden.
Cette semaine “3 décembre”, j’ai eu l’occasion de tester ZzzQuil™ SOMMEIL gommes.
Réclamations ZzzQuil
VOUS AIDE À VOUS ENDORMIR NATURELLEMENT. Les gommes ZzzQuil PURE Zzzs vous aident à vous endormir naturellement et à réguler votre cycle de sommeil afin que vous puissiez affronter votre lendemain
PAS DE GROGNEMENT LE LENDEMAIN AVEC UN NIVEAU OPTIMAL DE MÉLATONINE. Formulé avec un niveau optimal de mélatonine, qui aide à réguler votre cycle de sommeil afin que vous puissiez vous réveiller frais et dispos
MÉLANGE BOTANIQUE NATUREL. Formulé de façon unique avec un mélange d’huiles essentielles botaniques comprenant de la lavande, de la camomille, de la mélisse et de la racine de valériane
DES GOMMES À LA VANILLE ET AUX BAIES SAUVAGES. Ces gommes pratiques et savoureuses sont proposées dans un délicieux parfum de vanille aux fruits des bois. Vous aurez hâte de vous endormir, que vous soyez chez vous ou que vous voyagiez dans plusieurs fuseaux horaires.
NON-HABITAT EN FORMATION. Les PURE Zzz ne contiennent pas d’arômes artificiels, sont sans médicaments, sans gluten, sans lactose et sans gélatine
Attention
La mélatonine est une aide naturelle au sommeil mais elle n’est pas sans effets secondaires, tout le monde n’a pas de problèmes mais ceux-ci peuvent survenir :
Somnolence matinale
Rêves éveillés
Petites variations de la pression artérielle
Nausées
Maux de tête
Étourdissements
Mes réflexions
Je ne savais vraiment pas à quoi m’attendre puisque mes autres tentatives d’utilisation d’aides au sommeil, Unisom (De retour dans les îles Vierges américaines) et Donormyl n’ont jamais aidé à dormir, ni même à me fatiguer.
J’ai décidé d’essayer, les premières nuits, je n’ai pas eu un meilleur sommeil et j’étais sûr que ce serait comme les autres fois, mais le sixième jour, en utilisant les gommes, je me suis endormi et j’ai dormi toute la nuit. Je me suis réveillée en me sentant rafraîchie et j’ai été impressionnée !
Je n’avais jamais eu une aussi bonne nuit de sommeil depuis que je suis tombée enceinte. J’ai souffert de très graves insomnies pendant ma grossesse.
Pour vous donner une petite histoire, ma fille ne dort pas de la nuit, je suis debout avec elle presque toutes les nuits pour la nourrir ou la réconforter et j’ai un peu de mal à me rendormir après qu’elle se soit rendormie. Le matin, je me sens souvent très fatiguée et ce n’est pas idéal quand on s’occupe d’un bébé et d’un enfant de 7 ans.
J’ai beaucoup aimé essayer ce produit. Avant cette campagne, je n’avais jamais entendu parler de ZzzQuil, mais je suis heureux de le faire maintenant parce que j’ai des membres de ma famille qui peuvent bénéficier de l’aide supplémentaire d’une bonne nuit de sommeil.
Je dois ajouter que cela pourrait ne pas fonctionner pour tout le monde, si vos problèmes de sommeil sont liés à l’anxiété ou à des problèmes hormonaux, ces gommes ne feront rien pour vous.
Je vous suggère d’aller voir votre médecin pour obtenir de l’aide.
Bra shopping used to be one of my favorite things to do when I was younger, I was a 32A from the time I hit puberty right up until I had my son at 26. I don’t normally care for shopping in general but I would browse the Junior bra section for hours finding new bras, I easily had over 10 pairs of bras, one of my biggest problems was that I thought I was too small (thanks society) all the bras I had were more aimed towards younger girls who were just getting their first bras, nothing in the women’s section was in my size. I had never even heard of Sister sizes, if you don’t know what that is stay tuned because I will talk about it further down in this post. I’ll never forget that singular day in school when I overheard two boys talking about girls’ bodies and when one asked about mine the other said “She doesn’t have a body”. That point was later solidified when I was in my mid-twenties and surfing Blackplanet, one of the most popular groups among the men was one where it said something like guys preferred “Bad Grades C, D, E, F”. There was no mistaking that they were talking about breasts and what they considered to be bigger sizes. There I was being bombarded with the idea that men didn’t care for slim women with small breasts and I had no breasts to speak of so they obviously didn’t care for me. I want to say it didn’t bother me but I would be lying, I didn’t care about attracting anyone but the thought that I was unattractive was troubling. I often wished for bigger breasts (silly, silly goose) just to be thought of as feminine. I should explain that I was very much a tomboy before this hyper-awareness of my “lack of body”, I frequently wore baggy jeans, big shirts, backward caps, I hanged out with my brothers and cousins all the time so I was essentially one of the guys, I didn’t care for skirts and dresses and all those girly things my parents said was for girls. I was happy as I was even though people often asked me what I was…
Despite the occasional wishful thought for bigger breasts, I was fine, I began wearing dresses and skirts and cultivating a feminine side that isn’t hyper-feminine. I wore make-up but not a full face, I still don’t know how to blend eyeshadow or know what half those toners and cc creams, and serums are for but I’m fine with who I am.
When I was pregnant with my son, I joined a few Birth Boards and one common theme was women’s breasts growing and leaking milk, I didn’t experience any of this, I guess my body was too busy trying to provide nourishment for my baby. I didn’t think it would happen to me but it did.
One day I had my baby and the next I had my breasts. I remember it so vividly, I woke up with HUGE (in my eyes) breasts, my milk had come in and I began to leak like crazy, it’s a good thing my son was exclusively breastfed because this was crazy. It’s funny the things you learn about your body after having a baby. No one ever told me about Letdowns but up to this day, I can still remember the tingle I’d get, and then the leaking would begin. My usual 32A bras were not going to do so we quickly went shopping and I ended up with a C cup, I don’t really remember what band size it was but it was probably wrong.
My son nursed for one and a half years, I originally wanted to do baby-led weaning but I ended up pregnant and in the hospital for 4 days and after that, he just lost interest in nursing. There I was fresh from the hospital without another baby and my first baby didn’t want to nurse anymore. I was sad we wouldn’t have that bond anymore and fine with it at the same time because I wouldn’t have to be nursing him all hours of the day and night.
With the end of nursing, I found that I needed to buy new bras once again. Here was a new problem though French bras don’t use the same system as the US bras, both the cup and band sizes seem to be bigger letters and numbers, what should be a C is actually a D, and what is a 34 is actually a 90! Imagine my shock when I go from a 34D to a 95E but they are the same exact size. I think everything about the sizing system over here made me think I was bigger, fatter than I actually am. To find a good bra my husband and I looked up international size conversion charts and then I just tried on different bras until I found one that fit.
I was content with my bras, they mostly fit but it seemed I kept having to buy a new one as soon as I got used to my newer bigger size. Sometimes I ended up with a really good fitting bra and buy two different colors but one of them doesn’t fit, right? I don’t understand how that happens but it did several times. Some of my biggest bra issues in the last year were falling straps, too tight band, and gaps at the top of the bra where it should have been flush against my skin. I thought I was at the biggest reasonable size but boy was I wrong. One day in my mom group one of the other moms posted about a Reddit group called A Bra That Fits and there was a calculator you could use to find the right-sized bra for your body. You can find the Calculator here. I don’t remember what the calculator said was the ideal size for me but I remember thinking they were joking because it was a smaller band than I was currently wearing but a bigger cup, I decided to do some more reading on the group and learned all kinds of interesting things. Your size it seems isn’t the most important aspect of finding a bra that fits it’s the shape of your breasts. It’s a lot to get into and if you want to read more I suggest heading over to the subreddit and reading the beginners guide. This is my most recent results from the calculator: 28FF/G in the UK, 75H in French sizes, and 28F in the US.
These are not full charts they are aimed mostly at showing how I found my French and European size from the US or UK size. If you are interested in seeing a full chart I suggest Googling International Size charts, there are lots of different charts available.
75H is not a very common size to find here in France, most if not all the common stores only go up to Cup size E, and if you’re lucky you can find band size 110. Here is where knowing your Sister sizes come in handy. A sister size is a bra that is either a larger or smaller band but the same cup volume, for instance, I can’t find a 75H here but I can usually find a 90E, 95D, or 100C, these are all Sister sizes meaning they might fit me just as well or better than my original size. You’ll notice I omitted 80G and 85F, well that’s because they are not readily available which I had the pleasure of finding out when I needed a new bra after starting to breastfeed my daughter and I couldn’t go into the store to try on any bras during the pandemic so my poor husband had to go in and try to find one of the numbers I tell him. I sent him to find a 75H, no, 80G? no, 85F? no, what about 90F? it looks like it would fit. Fine, and it was for like a few months until I looked at the calculator again and realized it was not the correct size!
This is not a full chart, I focused mostly on the Sister sizes of my own results, to find a chart suitable for you I recommend Googling Sister Sizes with your Country name on the end. I also limited the sizes to what I found was mostly available at the sites I frequent.
Now I have the right Sister sizes I ordered bras more suitable for my shape and fullness, I’m hopeful that I have finally found my bra that fits!
Fair warning this post is going to be as long as the last post since I merged several of my old short blog pieces into one long blog post it goes from November 30, 2013, to September 9, 2013. It is a bit longer than the last one and I hope the length doesn’t scare anyone away.
Yes, he’s here
November 30, 2013
This is a very late update but my little Naveen was born on October 28, 2013, at 7:58 pm.
After such a trying pregnancy my labor was pretty difficult as well. 16 hours, Pitocin, and 20 stitches to repair 2nd-degree tears. I’m pretty sure he will be an only child and it’s a bit depressing because I always wanted more than one but my body can’t handle birthing more than one.
I said adoption was an option but deep down I wonder what a little girl that is biologically mine will look like.
Three Months Later
January 31, 2014
It has been three months since my son was born and it has been very interesting, I go to sleep and wake up to the cutest little face, yea I wake up, every two hours. I am pretty much always exhausted and have permanent dark circles under my eye, they’ve always been there but are much darker now. When we do wake up at 4, I change his diaper so there won’t be any accidents in the rest of the night. It is then that Mr. decides he wants to play. He smiles, he squirms, he flails his arms and kicks his feet and all I want to do is go back to sleep. If he was ever like this in the belly I have no clue, I was always passed out either from exhaustion or sleeping pills. It doesn’t make much sense to me that he will want to play, he goes back to sleep not even an hour later. I am left scratching my head more often than not.
Now that he is 3 months old Navi has learned to lift his head, grab things, and roll from his belly to his back, he even laughs, it’s a rare thing because he is such a serious boy. I’m getting to understand who this little person is a bit better every month. It’s still an indescribable feeling knowing that this baby grew inside of me for all those months and almost killed me in the process. I’ll never let him forget how painful it was so he better be a very good boy while growing up.
I’m a Warrior…
February 6, 2014
Dark circles under my eyes Back pain that doesn’t go away A crying 3 months old next to me A cold trying to come on
I have to get up to take care of him, I can’t let body pain and a tiny cold stop me from doing what I have to, I have nobody to lean on, I can do it alone. I am a Mother, I am a Protector, I am a Warrior.
Every night with no-fail, my 3-month-old goes to sleep at 11 pm and wakes up at 2 am and 4 am and finally at 7 am with no intention of going back to sleep until 12 pm, by then it’s too late for me to try to catch a few extra sleep because I have too many things to do, I have to make myself breakfast, I have to wash clothes, I have to try to make some money to buy the essentials; diapers, wipes, clothes.
To make things worse, little man is in the teething stage, if he was hard to put to sleep before, now he is just impossible. I usually try to rock him and it’s either a hit or a miss. Now I strap him into his carrier and walk around the house, he’s pushing 14 lbs while I’m a skinny 92, you can just imagine the pain I have in my back, shoulders, and neck. I can’t admit defeat no matter how much it hurts because baby must sleep so that I don’t pass out while he’s awake. I don’t know what is about the carrier that puts him out but whatever it is I am grateful. Maybe it reminds him of being inside the womb, who knows, I just hope it continues to be my good luck charm.
All that aside, my little man is growing up so fast and I’m becoming weepy, I had such a rough pregnancy and wanted it to be over fast and now that he’s here time is going by so fast I wish it would slow for a while. From a tiny 5 lb 6 oz baby to 14 lbs in just 3 months, it’s astonishing to me, maybe because I am a first-time mom and don’t remember my youngest brother or my 4 nieces gaining weight so fast. Doesn’t help either that he seems to be in a rush to grow up, wants to stand, wants to sit up, he can already turn from his back to the left or right, it surprised me, I wonder what other surprises he may have in store for me.
I’ll just wait to see what he does next month, maybe he will be crawling by then, for now, it’s time for this mom to take care of her bouncing baby boy.
Teething is a nightmare.
February 11, 2014
My poor baby is suffering from this horrible affliction called teething. He wakes up in the middle of the night rubbing my gums furiously and crying his heart out, I try to help him with the teething toy, a cold washcloth, anything people tell me and he’s still so miserable. For the past two days this has been going on and I have had no sleep (When do I get to sleep?!) and it is taking its toll on me. Today when he had a nap I was going to nap too so I laid down and felt sleep coming on slowly….he wakes up and cries. I held him and rocked him back to sleep, I left him there in my arms and fell asleep with him, we got a good 2-hour nap and I felt awesome!!
After that nice long nap, he drank as he had never seen milk before, I took it as a sign that he wasn’t sick because I did have a little worrying thought that maybe he had gotten the cold from his cousins. Speaking of cousins, I was watching my youngest niece Yaya who is making 8 months soon while trying to watch little Navi. Kudos to parents with twins because I don’t know how you manage two under one. I was wearing Navi in his carrier and pushing Yaya in her stroller, not so bad but when you release the beast (Yaya) she is creeping everywhere and I mean everywhere! I was holding on to Navi and trying to keep her from dive-bombing off the bed, keeping her hands away from his hair. Don’t hit him Yaya! He’s too small for that! I was only too happy when my sister came back for her little minion.
Now I’m going to get started writing on a project I have been thinking of doing, it’s a bit challenging trying to write when Navi is up but he likes to listen to music like Mami and his stuff kangaroo is a pretty good talking buddy.
Birthday with a new baby
February 12, 2014
In exactly 5 days it will be my 27th birthday and I have no clue what to do to celebrate it. I have never really celebrated my birthday, it has always been just another day and gets me depressed, last year I had one of the best birthday surprises I have ever gotten in my whole life. A trip to France. I don’t know if I would trust going on another trip since that is how Navi was conceived. I love Navi but I do not love pregnancy or labor. I’m not even sure that it will be a good birthday just for the fact that I did something so amazing last year, how can I top going to France? I did so many things I have never done in my life before and will probably never get to do again.
I figured I’d go to our Agricultural fair with Navi and that’s it, I mean there isn’t any restaurant that I’m dying to go to, no club I am even remotely interested in seeing, nothing that is really calling out to me. Maybe that’s my problem, I’m so used to doing nothing that when I get a chance to do it I can’t find the enthusiasm for it. As the day gets closer and closer I am becoming even more depressed, who really gets excited about getting another year older.
I think I will make myself some cupcakes, or buy a cake, I am so not interested in making my own cake, there is just no satisfaction to be had from that, I can’t even pretend to be surprised that I got a cake or cupcakes because I would be the one doing it.
All I can do is wait and see what the day brings me.
Aww Shucks, I’m 27!
February 24, 2014
So last week Monday was my birthday and I didn’t do anything for it, I was fine with it since the Sunday we went to the agricultural fair and spent three hours there, I had him in his carrier and walking around was fine but standing in one place is the big problem, especially when he falls asleep. When he falls asleep in that carrier all his weight pulls down on my back and shoulders and I have to sit, luckily we were able to get a picnic table to sit and eat so I got to rest my back for a while. I can’t believe how big he got too, when I first started to put him in the carrier two months ago his head was not visible above the top, now my little baby can see over the top and look at everything, pretty soon he will be able to turn around in the carrier and lookout instead of inwards.
Yesterday, I was watching all the cardboard I had stashed away (Yes, I am a bit of a hoarder, I always think, let me keep this I can use it) and thought I would make a board game for my nieces. The ideas started pouring in after that initial thought, I developed characters, I found a good board layout, simple and easy because my nieces are 3-8 and anything too long they lose interest in. As far as the characters, I know how those girls are and they fight tooth and nail over what they think is the best character so I let them help design their own character so they will always have a character to play with and they won’t be stuck with one they don’t like. I’m still working on a name for the game, the object of the game, the rules, and the gameplay. I’m actually enjoying the development stage of the game, it makes me feel like I’m doing something instead of sitting around waiting for work.
My other project, on the other hand, is moving pretty slow, I finished the first chapter very fast but now the second chapter is fighting to come out, I know I just need to find a quiet place to concentrate and write but right now that seems to be unlikely to happen. Little man is not happy to sit and play, he’s more interested in being held so he can stand and bounce. He hates sitting, he hates laying down, oh no my almost 4-month-old baby wants to stand and he just can’t because his neck muscles still aren’t fully developed and my arms get too much of a workout dealing with his bouncing.
In a few years, you might hear all about my famous son who is a big-time ballet dancer in France. Heavens know the boy has the leg muscles for it. I can see him now in his white leotard, twirling and leaping across the stage and Mama being so proud tears flow from her eyes.
To be truthful this was supposed to have been posted a day after my birthday but I’ve been so busy that I only now got the chance to finish the post. That boy just does not let me do anything anymore. I haven’t combed my hair in weeks, I have to end this here because once more duty calls!
Depression
February 25, 2014
I’ve suffered from depression my whole life and have never taken anything for it, I must always rely on myself to get me up out of the dumps because like always “nobody understands”. It’s so easy to tell someone that they should focus on what they do have and not about what they can’t do or don’t have. Sometimes what you do have can’t pay the bills, it won’t help you protect and keep your family in a safe environment. It will not bring the sunshine back.
“What’s the point of it all?” I have never found the answer to that question, sometimes I just ignore the question but it is always there nagging at the back of my head, poking me when I am most vulnerable, What IS the point of it all?? I wish I knew, wish I could answer that question once and for all so that I never have to face off with it again. People will try to tell you the point of it all but their answers mean nothing because they aren’t you, how can they tell you what they don’t know, I’ve often wondered how someone who doesn’t live your life or even went through what you have can tell you what the point is, their words are like salt on an open wound continuously pouring and causing pain and they do it with an oblivious look in their eyes and a smile on their lips.
I’m a pessimist at heart, I don’t know how to change that or if I can, I’m 27 and pretty much set in my ways, be flexible they say but have you ever tried to bend an old rubber band? It either loses its shape and is no longer useful or it breaks. I think that’s what my problem is, I’m trying to change and losing my shape, I’m no longer the person who used to smile and laugh, I’m no longer the person who used to dream. I try to change to become what other people want and I have become a miserable weak creature.
“It will be better” What is better? How will I know when it’s better, who can tell me it’s better? The same people who tell me to focus on what I have? Will it become better when I get what I need? But I’m not supposed to focus on what I don’t have so once more how will I know… Of course, I am an argumentative person and nothing you say will change my mind, like a toxic mixture I am doomed to self-destruction.
I hate this feeling, I hate it so much, I feel helpless to do anything, I want to do something so bad and yet I don’t know what I want to do. Watching Naveen helps a bit, his little toothless smiles cheer me up, watching him play with his toes, concentrate so hard to grab something and he does it with the same facial expression his father gets when he’s doing something, makes me smile.
I think I’ll go hold my little boy while he’s still a little boy and just take this one day at a time.
Baby Clothing Sizes
March 1, 2014
I am annoyed, I am very annoyed, I am so annoyed that I am blogging about what is annoying me!
Baby clothes are cute and they come in all kinds of sizes for the many different aged and sized babies but and this is a very big but, why aren’t all clothes made by weight instead of age? Maybe some people don’t know how much their baby weighs but know how old they are. Fair enough but, not all babies born in the same month are the same size. My own baby is 4 months old and he wear 6 months and 6-9 months and very few 3-6 months…do you see the inconsistency of this? Why is he wearing so many different sizes? Because people have different sizing measurements for the different months.
You have to be on your toes when buying baby clothes because no two clothing labels will fit the same and if you think oh my son wears a 3-6 because they say a 3 month or a 6-month-old can fit it then you are in danger of losing money. Your baby could gain so much weight that the clothes he wore at 3 months will be too small at 4 months even if it was a 3-6 month. It’s like you have to buy in every size just so your baby won’t be out of clothes by next week and baby clothes are not cheap, I have spent less on my own clothing than I had to spend for my son, I don’t mind because I can get by he can’t because he doesn’t have years of clothes in his drawer but I am on a very tight budget and before you say shop online, not everyone ships to the Virgin islands and yes that includes clothing too, I know because I am always knackered over finding a very good sale and choosing things than going to check out only to find something saying “Sorry! We don’t ship to your current location.” don’t get me worked upon that subject, that is a blog for another day!
I am so frustrated by this because I had way more 3-6 than I had 6-9 and my poor son is only 4 months old and already too big for all the clothes he has. I think if it was done by weight instead I’d have more of a chance to keep more clothes longer, little man has steadily gained since he was born and it’s always 1-2 lbs in a month. Monday is his 4-month checkup and I’ll see if my guess is right and he’s a good 15-16 lbs or heavier.
Phew…..steam released, I feel better, now all I have to do is go out shopping for more clothes in bigger sizes and hope he doesn’t outgrow them too soon.
4-month checkup
March 13, 2014
I had meant for this post to be done so long ago, I can’t believe it has taken me this long to get back to my blog. Anyway, at his checkup he came in at 15 lbs 5 oz and was 25 inches, I was spot on for length and just a pound under. His pediatrician was very impressed with his neck support “Today is Naveen’s4-month checkup and I am curious to see how big my little baby has gotten. His last checkup was on December 31 at 2 months and 3 days, he came in at 11 lbs 14 oz and was 23 inches, I suspect he will be around 16 lbs and 25 inches.
My poor baby will also be getting 4 immunization shots today, I hate shots for myself so you can just imagine how anxious I am for him, I didn’t look at the last checkup and didn’t hold him down, his father did that but now that he won’t be going with us this time I’ll have to do it and I am literally making myself sick.” Naveen made 5 months on Friday not sure how much he weighs now but I’m pretty sure it’s close to 16 lbs if not 16 lbs already, I can’t hold him for long anymore because my back and arms can’t take it so he strolls in his umbrella stroller. Lately, I’ve gotten into the habit of strolling down and then back up the hill. It hurts so bad but it’s exercise.
8 Months
July 1, 2014
On June 28, 2014, my little baby made 8 months, it was also the 8th birthday of my second niece, the day before (June 27) had been the first birthday of my 4th niece. To be honest, the entire month had been crammed with birthdays of cousins, a brother, brothers-in-law, uncles, and my grandfather.
I can’t believe my baby is 8 months, I guess I’ll be saying this for the rest of my life, it’s really unbelievable that last year I was 5 months pregnant and not even feeling any kicks yet, didn’t have much of a belly either, now my little boy is holding on to the sofa to stand up and trying to walk.
Now for my niece’s 8th birthday, I made her a Doll Cake, I had only done this once before, and that was a good 5 years ago. I got frustrated because I couldn’t take my time on it so I feel like it wasn’t my best. My niece loved it so I guess it wasn’t so bad.
After 5 years maybe it’s not so bad but it’s still far from what I can accomplish, with some more practice I’m sure I can do a Doll Cake I can be proud of again.
Work
July 4, 2014
I am literally going out of my mind without any work, it’s been too long since I’ve been able to work and my bills are piling up. I’m so stressed that my hair is falling out and I’m pretty much always down. I know I shouldn’t stress so much about things I can not change but when you have a little baby who needs clothes, needs diapers and wipes, needs this or that and hospital bills so high you don’t know how you will pay them all back, stress will get you. I did manage to work for a little while last week which earned me $15 which then went into buying a box of diapers and some wipes. Yup easy come easy go even though I have never been the spending kind.
It doesn’t help my frame of mind either to remember how much I had saved up before I had Naveen, all that money went in the blink of an eye because of the cost of medication and hospital bills that I did get to pay. If I could get back to working and making $15 a day I would be happy but Naveen does not cooperate at all. He has become very clingy and I’m hesitant to leave him on the ground crying because he has a habit of trying to stand up by unstable things like the cupboard door or the open french doors. I’m also hesitant to put him in the stroller because he has figured out a way to stand partially in the stroller. Yeah, not good for one so faint of heart as myself.
I know little babies fall when they are learning how to stand and walk and little boys more so but it’s a completely different ball game when it’s your little baby. I’ve had mini heart attacks many times this past week, he pushed up into a stand from his froggy kneeling, and fell over on his head, he was holding onto the sofa and let go fell over onto his back. I swear my heart stops beating both times. Do you know how those movies do the slow-motion Noooos? That was me, I was so close but stopped and slapped my hands to my face Nooooooooo! Pathetic, I know. I could have reached him before he fell over but I suck in the face of a crisis. I’m ashamed of myself.
To try to make a few extra bucks I figured “Hey, why don’t I try freelancing!” Freelancing what though? I don’t have any degrees other than in Commercial Baking and Cake Decoration and not many people are looking for someone with that skill, especially not on the internet. Why not blogging? I barely keep up my own blog huh…Story writing? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I haven’t even finished a full story in over 10 years. I am my worst critic so in the end I felt all dejected and decided not to try freelancing after all. Strangely enough, it did push me to go back to a story I was writing and see it with fresh eyes. I’m happy to say I’m back to working on it and trying my best to stick to it this time.
When Naveen naps, this momma will work!
Diaper Wars
July 6, 2014
When someone says to you “Diaper Wars” what is the first thing that comes to mind? Huggies vs. Pampers? Pampers vs. Luvs? No doubt it’s probably one of those combinations or even Cloth vs. Disposable, well I’m not going to talk about that kind of diaper war, I’m going to talk about a diaper war most mothers (I’m hoping) know about, the kind where you’re baby won’t stay still and you have to literally fight them to change their diaper.
Naveen has always been a pretty good baby when it came to changing his diaper, no fights, no fuss, no hassle, all that changed when he hit 8 months like it was a fricking magic number. He won’t just lay there and watch me with either his “What are you doing pervert?” or “Clean my butt loser” looks, nope, he has declared war on me and the diapers.
He will no longer lay there and be changed, he’s not even content to play his hand in whatever unholy mess he made, he means business when he turns and twists, screams, and literally flings his arms around. He doesn’t care if he makes a mess on the bed and frustrates me, nope he just wants to hang free and roam the land. Sometimes I almost want to let him go commando but there are three little girls in this house and the youngest likes to grab his diaper front (She just turned 1). I’m worried that if he’s just dangling along she might grab a handful and injure him and seriously, I do not want to go to the hospital with my 8-month-old and try to explain to them how my 1-year-old niece managed to grab his bits and spin them like a helicopter. So, we fight and he loses but I feel like I’ve lost too because an 8-month-old shouldn’t be able to aggravate you like this. I’m convinced I’m doing something wrong, why can’t I control a little baby??
Early warning, if I am not back before next week Friday, it means I have lost the battle and I’m chasing my diaper-less son around the house.
Today is Standing Day!
July 7, 2014
Today my little baby decided he was going to stand every chance he got, he didn’t just hold on to something and let go either, he pushes up from a crouch. It’s always so amazing to see him when he’s standing there for a few seconds before he falls. The feeling I get in my chest knowing that this is the little baby that was growing in my belly, I can’t describe it.
I’m a proud Momma right now, I know every baby is different, but when it’s your first you can’t help but feel like your baby is special.
That being said, yesterday I had this lofty idea that I would take a picture throughout this day to see what my day was like, when I woke up this morning (unwillingly might I add) I completely forgot about it and only remembered now. I guess I could still do it but it won’t be accurate and I’m kind of obsessive about things being accurate. I’m not even sure I will even attempt it tomorrow because when I really think about it, my day is boring. I don’t have much going on at all.
On the other hand, I did get a fair bit of writing done for my story, I devote a little time every day to it now, I got some done last night when Nabo fell asleep and I took a bit of time this morning when he was playing with his cousins, I’m hoping that I can get a bit more tonight too.
Ah the beauty of a mobile child, I have to track him down because he is super fast on his knees now, before he was slow and I could easily look down and he’d still be in the same spot, I can hear him with his older cousin so I know he’s not too far, until next time.
Anxiety…
July 9, 2014
So last night, Naveen went with me, my mother, and my father to see Think Like a Man Too, this was his 4th time going to the movies and it was bad, not as bad as going to see Godzilla and How to Train Your Dragon 2 but still pretty bad. We walked into the theater and sat down, he was fine, there were a few people in the theater but not too many. More people started to come in and he looked around and started to bawl. Then the commercials came on and they were pretty loud which made him cry even more. I tried to feed him to kind of distract him but he wasn’t having it, he started to push and throw his hands around, my mother had already seen the movie so she took him and went to the back with him (Thank you Mami!) I’m told he calmed down and went to sleep, he was still sleeping when she came back, it was going good but then a really funny part of the movie came up and all the laughter made him jump awake and it was back to square one.
I tried rocking him, holding him, feeding him, but he is not interested in any of it, he went back to my mother and calmed down again, my mother has the magic touch, what am I doing wrong that I can’t get him to calm down for me? Having 6 kids must have made my mother some kind of kid magnet because all of her grandkids go to her for comfort and they fight over her too! It’s a sobering thought though when we leave the Island for France, I won’t have my mother there with me to hold Naveen, she won’t get to see him grow up and I won’t have my mother to go to the movies with, yea I’ll finally have my little family together but I’m going to lose my family in the process. It’s not like they’re right next to each other or even 6 miles away, according to Google, it’s 4,386 miles apart.
My mother is a big coward when it comes to planes too, she can barely make it on a flight from St. Croix to Florida so I know she will never get on a plane to fly to France. I’m not even betting on any of my siblings visiting, I’m convincing myself that I’m going to be solo, the lone Crucian in French territory unless I count Naveen but he’s going to grow up there so he’ll be more French than Crucian. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that I won’t enjoy living in France but when you grow up on a tight-knit little Island with a specific culture that is found only on that little Island you tend to see the world differently than people from other places. I can write a book on the differences I have noticed already but I’ll leave that for another post. It’s time I go back to chasing behind my son and enjoying my family while they are still around.
Iron Deficiency, Birthday Parties, & Stress, Oh my!
September 9, 2014
I know, I haven’t been here in forever but I’m here now. I’ll try to catch you up on all the things that are going on with me and Naveen.
On Aug 28 he made 10 months, which is crazy because just yesterday he was a newborn, and before that, he was a bump in the belly, and even farther back he wasn’t even a thought in my head. I never in my life imagined the little boy that I see beside me right now, I’ve dreamed of a son before but I never thought I’d actually have one because I couldn’t imagine myself as a mother. I don’t think I see myself as other people see me, inside I’m still the same person I was when I was younger, I have grown yes but I’m still essentially the same person, the person who used to dream of one day being an author or an artist, the person who thought the world of her own mother and never felt like she could be the same kind of mother. I know that I can never be like my mother, she is a hard worker who did whatever it took to make sure her kids were taken care of and fought for the rights of her kids, I can be that kind of person but in my own way. I’m nothing like my mother, my sisters, my aunts, or my cousins, I am me and I have to do things in my own way, now that that’s out of the way let’s move on to more important things like Naveen’s routine blood test for WIC.
On July 28 Naveen went for a blood test to check his blood level and to see if everything was fine, when we got the results back everything came back as abnormal, they told me it probably meant he needed iron and it wasn’t a big deal but to make sure to show it to his pediatrician. His next Doctor appointment was on August 19 so I figured I’d give him some of that Poly-vi-sol vitamin just to be on the safe side. When his Doctor saw the results she was appalled, said it was way too low and that he’d need to go in for several blood tests to make sure that he just has low iron and not Sickle cell anemia. My heart just about dropped into my stomach, the thought of Naveen having Sickle cell and nobody even knowing at the hospital when he was born was a frightening thought. I was so worried, I couldn’t sleep, I would just watch Naveen and pray that everything was fine and he wasn’t sick. The tests were supposed to be very expensive and the little bit of money I have been able to make working went into diapers and wipes, sometimes clothes, and lastly shoes for Naveen. I had no idea how I was going to pay for the tests, my mother said she’ll try to help with some but she didn’t have that much money anyway and I already owed her for the last Doctor’s appointment. Thanks to Naveen’s Papa we had the money to go to the lab to get his blood tests done, it was $70 for the tests they did on Island and two other tests would be sent away to the states and I’d be billed.
On September 3rd we went to the lab, Naveen already hates this lab because he came here to take his first blood test which was just a finger prick, this time they were going to draw blood out a vein, the nurse brought out 4 huge vials and set about to take my baby’s blood, my mother didn’t think they should take all that blood from such a small baby and especially since he was very anemic, the nurse said it was Doctor’s orders but my mother put her shoe down and the head nurse had to come and she agreed that they didn’t need all that blood so they’d have to fill the vial only halfway. The nurse stuck poor Naveen in his arm and attempted to get his blood but Naveen is a fighter and he was screaming and kicking and the blood just wouldn’t come out so we called a halt to it and asked for a refund since this nurse clearly didn’t know what she was doing. We went to the Doctor’s office and she gave us a referral to do the blood test at the hospital where the nurses were more competent. So the next day we’re at the hospital to do the blood tests and I’m so nervous because I have no idea what this test will show, I hate to hear my baby cry and see them stick needles in his arm to take his blood. This time there are two nurses, one to help me hold down Naveen and the other to take his blood, it went so fast and they only took two small vials but it cost me $200. I’m fine with the $200 since they actually knew what they were doing and they were very pleasant.
Skip it to 2 days later and I get a call from his Pedi, he’s severely anemic and we have to start therapy right away. I think I was numb at this point, I just got up left the house, and picked up his prescription to start him on his Iron supplement. He’s taking 1 ml daily for a week then 2 ml for a week, then 3 ml the next week all the way up until he is taking 5 ml. The first day he took his iron was not easy, I tried to mix it with water and he absolutely refused to drink it so I ended up having to mix in some juice and he drank it with no problem. I have no idea if it’s increasing his iron levels yet but I have noticed an increased appetite, he now eats more table food than he was before, it’s not a nibble or two, and then leave. We have another Dr. appointment next week Friday, guess we’ll see if he has gained any weight and they’ll send us for another blood test.
Now about his birthday… Next month my baby will be 1 year old and I have nothing, no invitation, no theme, no plans, nothing. I know he won’t remember any of it but it feels like such a failure that I can’t even give him some cupcakes and a plate with his favorite character on it. I’m so depressed but I don’t show it because I have to be strong for my son and do the things he does need like iron supplements and blood tests. Hopefully, I can at least give him a cupcake with a number 1 candle…
Crucianize 