It’s been a good writing day, I believe I’ve spoken about my Wattpad account before where I have three published works, one super short story Vishal and two poetry-based works Tales of An Introverted Expat and The Silence Inside Me.
I updated the cover of The Silence Inside Me and added a new poem.
Cover art by Melanie Wasser on Unsplash
The title of the poem is Mute Again and I’ll share it here with you.
Mute Again
I was doing good, I was talking to the world, my words were finally being heard and I could express my every thought, and then…
Then I moved.
To another country where they didn’t speak my language and I didn’t speak theirs.
I was back at square one.
I studied every day, I watched all the movies, all the videos, I listened to music, I read so many stories.
And yet…
Here I am.
Mute again.
Another group of people who don’t understand. Another group of people who label me, unfriendly, snobby, shy.
I want to scream, I’m not shy, I’m not unfriendly, I’m not a snob.
But once again.
My words fail me, they stay lodged in the back of my throat, they abandon me when I need them the most.
I just want to be free.
Free to speak, free to show my emotions, free to be me.
But here I am again.
Locked in my own mind.
Here I am looking for those who know, those who understand, those who feel as I do, those silent people with so much to say.
My people.
Hope you enjoyed it and if you’re interested in reading more you can visit my profile LLDove.
Today is Father’s Day, a day I usually don’t care for because of my own weird relationship with my father, so, today I’m going to talk about the many father figures I’ve had in my life and how they lead me to the father in my children’s lives.
My Father
Me and my father 1987-1988
My father is not an easy man to understand, some days you wonder if he even cares, I’ve spoken a bit about this in The Useless Sibling and the truth is it was so much worse, the other day someone asked me what was the best feature of my father that I looked for in a man and I just couldn’t think of one. Almost everything I thought of was something I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be treated as a mistake in my partner’s life and I sure as hell didn’t want him to view or children as playthings for his public persona. That saying that a father is a girl’s, first love? Not even close to being true for me.
Two of my most vivid memories are of my parents fighting, one where my mother was going to leave the house and had her keys in her hand and my father grabbed her arm and was pulling it like he was going to break it, I jumped on his back and started pummeling him while I yelled for my brothers, my oldest brother came with a broomstick and my father finally let go of our mother. The second incident I don’t remember as well but I remember my mother bitting into his arm and he was hitting her in the head trying to get her loose.
These were just two extremes but they fully cemented in my head that I didn’t want a relationship like this. I didn’t want a man like this, I wasn’t even sure I ever wanted to get married, all the marriages in my life save one was toxic, cheating, children on the outside, fighting, just a lot of toxicity.
Uncle Luis
Now I’ll talk about that one good marriage in my life, one of my mother’s sisters, Aunty Cathy, married my Uncle Luis, from the very first time I remember meeting him he has always been very nice to me. With my Selective Mutism, I didn’t speak to him, I remember feeling very shy around him for a long time but that didn’t change how he treated me, he would talk to me, show interest in my drawings, try my failed attempts at sodas haha, he did everything my father didn’t. My uncle out of everyone in my life is who I based the ideal mate on. My aunt and uncle lived with us for a while and those were good days, I felt heard and seen, I had a good male figure in my life and he treated my aunt really well.
The day they moved out was one of the saddest in my life, it meant I would go back to being ignored or yelled at for just existing. Even though he no longer lived with us I never forgot the way my uncle treated me, I would look forward to their visits every time.
My Husband
Before I met my husband I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married or have children, I was pretty content in the fact that I would be single Aunty Lynnette, the cool and strict aunt. For whatever reason, my cousins believed I was a traveling girl? Meaning that I had many boyfriends and several sexual encounters. That couldn’t be farther from the truth, I didn’t do much as kiss a guy until my husband.
I mean sure I had lots of male friends but they were just friends, I also didn’t meet any of them in real life, my mother says I’m pretty unobservant because a lot of them were flirting with me but I never noticed it? I like my friends, they’re good men but not for me, they weren’t like my uncle none of the guys I met were like my uncle so definitely not someone I would be interested in forming a permanent bond with.
I spoke a bit about how I ended up with my husband in My Truths. Before we even had children I saw how he was with his niece and how he was with my nieces, it reminded me so much of my beloved uncle and they were both tall and wore glasses, if this wasn’t the universe talking to me I don’t know what it was.
Marvin and Chacha
One of my nieces was so taken with Marvin that she started calling him Daddy, I routinely call her his first child haha, I have to say that even though I was determined to find a man nothing like my father, Marvin and my father shared several similar tastes and qualities. I somehow found a man that was a balance between my father and my uncle.
The most notable quality between my father and Marvin? Determination. I swear I’ve never seen two people who would never give up until they have accomplished what they set out to do.
Annecy, a city found in the Haute-Savoie department of France. It’s located in the southeastern part of France, where Lake Annecy feeds into the Thiou River, this city has been on my bucket list for a few years.
I especially wanted to see Lake Annecy, La Vieille Ville, Pont des Amours, and Palais de l’Ile.
We left on Saturday around 12 pm, the drive took around 2hrs, the weather was not the best, it was overcast and pretty chilly, yes, chilly in June! We’ve been having temperatures in the 50s which are about 12° Celsius.
As we were driving my son would get really excited seeing the clouds covering the mountains and driving through mist.
The most exciting thing though was driving through the mountains! I don’t mean over the mountains either, we drive through tunnels that went through the belly of the mountains, twice, and each time it was crazy.
Yeah, yeah, you might have don’t this before, probably many times, for us especially coming from an island without any mountains it was something really special to see and experience. I only wish I had taken a picture.
We reached the hotel about 2:55 or so, it was raining a bit and my husband realized we had forgotten the baby carrier, so there we were sans stroller and carrier so my husband had to heft the bag with our stuff and the little miss.
We hurried into the hotel and quickly got our room key, strangely enough, there was only one key so we either had to all go out at the same time or some go and others stay behind. It was an ok hotel from the little I saw on our way to the room, there was a game room where Naveen wanted to spend some time. The elevator ride was terrible, it was so jerky, and I got bad motion sickness.
When we arrived at the room I noticed it was kind of small, there were two full-size beds, one fairly close to the door and the other closer to the opposite wall, Naveen was only too happy to have such a big bed all to himself. I think miss lady believed the other one was for her.
We took a little rest, change Oyanie’s diaper and feed her then we were off!
First, we stopped at Burger King so that the bigger people could eat then we visited the lake, the rain was still coming down because we were closer to the lake the wind was really strong and those two things made it pretty cold.
Without the carrier, Oyanie ended up wrapped in her father’s coat, we tried to keep her as warm as possible while taking in the sights.
The Pont des Amours wasn’t far from the lake, just had to keep walking and there we were, a little ways from the bridge I spotted a giant bow and arrow. I haven’t been able to find any information on it yet but I probably am not searching for the right terms.
Pont des AmoursGiant Bow and Arrow
Naveen was only too happy to have space to run around and explore. He wanted to keep walking but it was still raining and Oyanie was getting tired. We decided to head back to the hotel.
For dinner we had pizza from Domino’s, it’s been many years since I’ve had a pizza from there, I found the pizzas to be pretty small, we ordered two and had really tiny containers of ice cream and some kind of dessert with chocolate. I didn’t eat the chocolate dessert. The ice cream was enough for me.
It was a bit difficult to get Oyanie to sleep and after trying and trying she finally went to sleep but I ended up not being able to fall asleep, I don’t know if I was too hot or if I was just too wired to sleep, whatever it was I ended up just laying there twisting and turning the whole night.
My phone was charging in Marvin’s side of the bed and I didn’t want to wake anyone up trying to reach so I tried to wait patiently until everyone woke up. Thankfully Marvin woke up long enough to hand me my phone.
Finally, everyone was up and it was time to check out of the hotel but first Oyanie got a bottle.
I hadn’t noticed it before when we arrived but downstairs in the lobby, there’s a statue of a red cow.
Everyone was hungry so we decided to go to the bakery, unfortunately, the bakery had a long line as they only allowed one customer in at a time, we were too hungry to wait in line so we took a walk looking for other places to eat.
Every so often Marvin would stop to look at menus or Naveen would watch stalls with people selling toys.
Finally, after walking for what seemed like forever, we went intoFrench Coffee Shop, Marvin asked me what I wanted and I looked over the offerings. There were lots of muffins and some other things but what caught my attention was the cheesecake. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before but I love cheesecake, if I see it I will always want it, so when Marvin asked me again what I wanted without hesitation I said cheesecake.
Now, things could have gone either good or bad because not everyone can make cheesecake.
Thankfully, this was not the case, nope, this cheesecake was delicious, it was utterly divine like if anyone would have tried to ask me to taste some I’d stuff the whole thing in my mouth or lick it.
I had to restrain myself from licking the cardboard but I sure did lick the spoon. Breakfast over with, we walked back to the car and began the drive to go home.
Now, we’re home, I’m very tired so will probably end this here.
This is going to be a heavy piece, it will involve speech about molestation, if that’s one of your triggers I’d suggest skipping this post, with that said I’m going to talk about something that I’ve talked a little about before but never in my blog. I want to change that, I want to speak my truth so others can understand certain aspects of my life and how I’ve processed it.
So, here we go…
This is a memory that is clear as day in my head even though it happened over twenty years ago.
Imagine if you will, this thin, small child, five almost six years old, quiet, she doesn’t say a thing. Expressionless the whole day. This vulnerable innocent child was me.
It was a new school, new people, new everything, I was in first grade and still mute even though they said children are only shy at first. The class was about twenty students maybe more maybe less, the size didn’t important, the children aren’t either, except for two. A boy and a girl.
I had no interactions with these two, never sat near them, never played with them, but these two affected me in a way nothing else has ever done.
It was not a normal day, we were not in class, no, we were in the school’s cafeteria. There was an event going on but I can’t remember what it was about, doesn’t matter, I was sitting at a table far away from everyone except for the boy E and the girl K. I can’t remember the names of the other students but I remember these two, I don’t know how I feel about their names, a curious thing, I don’t hate it but I won’t speak it. Ever.
I don’t know why but K decided to notice me that day, maybe it’s because we were so far apart from everyone else but she was sitting right next to me.
It’s going to get a bit graphic and I apologize but she stuck her hand under my skirt and fondled me, she pulled her hand out and said: “smell yourself”. I had never had the inappropriate touch talk, no, that came later, so, as you can no don’t tell I was confused and didn’t know what to do. The boy E never touched me but he did not tell her to stop either, instead what he did was laugh and I didn’t understand that either.
I never told anyone about what happened, not my best friend, not my parents, I think I wanted to forget it ever happened. I buried it so far that I just never thought about it. That is until I was in my early 20s. I was talking to someone about rape and molestation and it was like opening a door. I remembered everything all at once.
It explained why I had an aversion to being friends with girls, why I never felt comfortable around them, why I felt different from my peers.
I talked about being The Useless Sibling but now I knew why. I up to this day have trouble accepting hugs and being touched, I still feel a little uncomfortable around women and I honestly don’t feel attraction. I honestly thought I was asexual because I’ve had people I thought were attractive I’ve never envisioned anything other than being friends, I had one or two I’ve called boyfriend but in truth, it was just in name. I have never wanted to be physical with any of them.
The day I met my husband was like being awakened, it’s corny as hell but I often wondered what it would feel like just to be held. We lived in different countries then so there was no way to find out. The day he asked to visit, I swear I almost fainted, I asked my parents and they were fine. Yes, I still lived at home so when my husband came to visit he met all my family at once.
That first day was full of nerves, this guy I’d spent two years chatting to was finally here, the first time in my life I felt like a woman and I wanted to explore.
Demisexual, you don’t feel attraction until you’ve formed a deep connection, I now had an answer for my lack of interest in guys other than being friends.
On the subject of friends, although I’m still a little uncomfortable, I now have a few women I call friends.
I won’t allow a girl who was most probably being molested herself to dictate who I can and can’t be friends with.
Oh, if you’re not following the Facebook page be sure to click the link button below, I had mentioned that I would do a special post for Father’s day so be on the lookout for that.
I thought I spoke about this company before but apparently, I didn’t which is a shame because it’s pretty new but their products are quite the rage. I’ve only tried the Ginger Gooseberry Hair Mask which I posted about on my Instagram.
Found this gem in my mailbox this morning. I already washed my hair yesterday so I’ll be trying it out next week!
It’s Aiovak Ginger Gooseberry hair mask, if you haven’t heard about it before check the link in my bio to learn about it.
I promptly put it in the fridge after this photo since it had to travel quiet a ways to reach me.
When I tried out the Mask it was the only product offered by Aiovak and they didn’t have a website or Instagram account, I can’t be sure but I think the Mask took a week to reach me which is pretty good considering it came from the US.
The Mask smelled like Gooseberry and had a watery consistency. It ran everywhere when I put it in my hair but it worked like a charm!
Ginger Gooseberry Hair Mask
Now I’m happy to say that Aiovak has rebranded and launched their website at: aiovakhaircare.com
You can also follow their social media accounts below:
The Leave-In comes in two sizes 8 oz for $15 and 16 oz for $26
Ginger Gooseberry Hair Mask
The Hair Mask only comes in 8 oz at $15
Hair Oil
The Hair Oil comes in two sizes 4 oz for $10 and 8 oz for $17
Update July 2021:
Aiovak now offers several new products such as Guava Leaf serum, Shampoo bar, Beard and Hair balm, Moringa Whipped butter, Satin pillowcase, and detangler brush.
Prices are from $8 – $15
At those prices what are you waiting for? Grab some products and get to styling your gorgeous locks!
Recently 23andMe updated their Neanderthal Report, you get this Report when you take their DNA test and it tells you how many Neanderthal variants you inherited from your ancestors.
If you don’t know what a Neanderthal is, 23andMe defines it as:
“Neanderthals were prehistoric humans who interbred with modern humans before disappearing around 40,000 years ago.“
I wish I had taken a screenshot of my variants before the update but I knew it was 102 variants, here is my updated Report:
From 102 to 68!
Not all of the variants I agree with, for instance, I have a terrible fear of heights, I can’t look out the windows or go into balconies of very tall buildings, I just can’t do it.
I do agree with the others, I do indeed have a hard time parting with rarely used possessions, I got that from my father. I have a terrible sense of direction, I can get lost very easily which is why I don’t go out walking by myself.
I can’t really say if I agree or disagree with the salty over sweet one, they both have a place in my heart and sometimes I will eat something salty with something sweet like I love popcorn with chocolate, it’s delicious.
While this was a nice little update I’m interested in seeing if they will ever update the haplogroups.
She actually made two months yesterday and I forgot to post it.
my bad
Madame Oyanie can roll from her belly onto her back but has yet to master rolling from her back to her belly. She smiles occasionally and never when I have my camera. I’ll get a picture one day…
She is starting to”talk” to us but she prefers to stare with those big beautiful eyes.
I honestly can’t believe it’s been two months already, it feels like she’s been here forever.
It’s almost 3 am and my one-month-old is still fighting sleep, we’ve been battling for a good two hours, she’s been fed, burped, and has a clean diaper. I rock her and her eyes close but as soon as I put her down she cries so I have to start again. I want to cry. I’m running on empty and trying my hardest but it doesn’t seem to be enough.
Finally, after what seems like forever she settles down and falls asleep.
It’s 6 am, my husband is getting up to get ready to go to work, and because I’m a light sleeper I’m awake. I’m fatigued and hope I can get back to sleep. It takes a while but I manage it.
It’s 8 am and my son is waking up, he opens his bedroom door which makes a sound, and wakes me up. I’m bleary-eyed and tired but I know he’ll watch TV and he has everything he needs to make a sandwich so I stay in bed.
I can’t fall back asleep, I want to so badly but it’s not happening, I pick up my phone and check my notifications, I scroll through Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, and my various genealogy and social sites. The baby is squirming I know she’ll be up soon.
My son is playing a video game and he’s not winning, I can tell from his anguished screams, my nerves start to fray. It’s 10 am, I think about my life choices and how I ended up here.
Time passes and the baby is now awake and looking for food.
Today I’m going to talk about being in confinement after giving birth. While I was in the hospital Naveen was on break from school and Marvin was home from work so I didn’t have to worry about who would watch him.
When I got out of the hospital it was time for Naveen to go back to school but he had a cold so he went one day and was sent home the next and stayed home on Friday. We thought he’ll be fine to go on Monday but then the schools were closed and Naveen never got to go back to school.
We could still go out at that point so we would go for walks which were important for me since I had to walk for my recovery from the C-section. It was good to be outside feeling the cool air and not being cooped inside the house or stuck in the hospital. I stayed there for a whole week!
Everything was ok and then we went into confinement, stay home unless you absolutely need to go out, have your attestation of you will be fined, we stayed inside. Naveen didn’t understand why he wasn’t going to school and why we couldn’t go to the park or see his grandparents.
I tried to explain to him in a way he would understand and I think he got it.
My husband is still working during the pandemic so it’s just me, Naveen, and Oyanie. Due to Oyanie waking up every two hours at night to eat we usually stay in bed until the afternoon. I try to get a little extra sleep but I’m still so very tired when we get up to go downstairs. Sometimes Naveen comes into the room and lays in the bed with Oyanie and me but he’s mostly up early and downstairs. I try to make sure that he has something to eat and occupy himself with.
While I’m taking care of the baby I sometimes wonder if I’m neglecting Naveen and try to include him or I’ll put the baby down to give him extra attention. It’s hard having two kids especially now when the baby is so small and needs so much more of my attention.
Naveen has been a good big brother though, he always asks me if I need help and will bring bottles upstairs for me, reach diapers and wipes, he kisses his sister and wants to hold her.
He will sometimes feed her so I can make myself something to eat or when I need to do something else.
I think I’m adjusting well to having two children, especially in these strange times. If I’m being honest I’ve been suffering a bit from being stuck at home, given how my pregnancy went where I was stuck at home with only doctor visits as my time outside it’s only a given that I’d go stir crazy without a reason to go outside. I miss the air and the sun and I wish things go back to normal soon.
Before I forget to mention it Oyanie made one month on March 22, one month already it seemed like I just had her. Time is going by so fast.
Today I’m going to talk about my C-section experience.
When I found out I only had two options either attempt a breech birth or have a C-section I was numb, I researched breech births like crazy and they are such a gamble. “What if my baby’s head got stuck in my pelvis?” this was the biggest question on my mind and I just wasn’t comfortable with the idea that it could happen.
I asked my husband what he thought the C-section was the better choice.
It was decided, I’d have a C-section, sure there was a chance that the baby could turn down on her own but there was a bigger chance of me going into labor with her still being breech. A scheduled C-section was the way to go.
February 20 and we’re in the hospital for a routine check-up, they check to see if the baby had turned but she was still breech, here is where it gets crazy…
The doctor calls in for me to have my C-section tomorrow!
I thought I would have more time to get used to the idea and read up on aftercare and all that but no, they just drop that bomb on me.
I’m not going to lie but I cried, I was scared, I had to stay in the hospital and wait for my C-section.
There I was in a room all alone with so many thoughts going around in my head. I was not expecting this and I didn’t know how to handle this situation. I tried to relax as much as I could and get some rest.
It’s the next day and I’m waiting for my husband to arrive, the nurses came into the room and wheel me down to check if the baby is still breech, she’s still in her cozy spot under my ribs, I’m wheeled back to my room and told to shower with Betadine.
I’ve showered and in the hospital gown when my husband and mother-in-law arrive, now we wait for them to take me to the Operating Room.
We wait and we wait but nobody is coming, finally, in the afternoon someone comes and says that there were emergencies so my C-section won’t happen today. I’m spending another night in the hospital alone.
Here I am again, another morning full of nerves waiting to get taken to my first surgery, nurses come and go, I’m waiting for Marvin to arrive, I’m terrified of being taken to the OR without him, a nurse comes to the room and tells me I’ll go in the afternoon, all I can do is sit and watch the clock.
Marvin walks into the room and I’m relieved, I won’t be alone after all! I let him know that they said the operation was going to be in the afternoon. So we wait.
A little afternoon two male nurses come to wheel my bed down to the OR, they take me down corridors, into the elevator, and finally, to the OR waiting room, Marvin wasn’t allowed in and I wouldn’t see him again until I was taken into the actual OR.
While I’m in the waiting room the nurses are asking me questions and getting me ready for the operation. All this time I don’t know where Marvin is or if I’ll see him before the C-section.
The nurses transfer me from my bed to this table like a gurney and wheeled this into the OR, I see Marvin and the nurses start prepping for the surgery.
It’s time to get the spinal and I’m shaking, it’s a needle in my spine, with my needle phobia I’m a wreck. I have to bend really far forward and they warn me that I’d feel a prick. It was like a bee sting, this was followed by pressure and they lay me down. I started to feel a cool sensation in my lower region, my feet felt heavy but I could still wiggle them a bit. I was scared I was going to feel them cutting into me.
Up went the curtain, a cap was placed on my head, oxygen was put into my nose, I felt detached from my surroundings. I guess somewhere in my floating they placed a catheter because I did not feel it at all.
I’m just there watching the blue curtain and occasionally feeling a tug on my body when I hear a baby cry, I’m almost in tears but I hold it in. I cried enough.
They bring her around the curtain and place her next to me.
My daughter was out, the first thing I thought was that I wouldn’t feel her head in my ribs anymore.
Now they’re going to stitch me up, I watch Marvin walk off with the baby and it was back to staring at the blue curtain until they finished. They roll me out of the OR and quickly transfer me back to my bed.
They want me to move my feet but they won’t cooperate. I feel like I’m in Kill Bill, I kept telling myself wiggle your big toe. I’m not sure how much time passed but finally, I could move my toe and then my feet, once I could move both my legs it was back to my room.
Once back in my room I see Marvin and Oyanie waiting for me.
I’m still not feeling my lower region completely and a nurse removed the catheter, I’m supposed to get up and pee on my own.
My legs feel like rubber and they’re shaking like crazy but I managed to stand up with the help of the nurse, I’m unable to pee so she makes me drink a lot of water and promises to return in an hour.
An hour passes and the nurse is back, she helps me stand again and once more I try to pee, this time it’s a success.
During all of this, my incision is painful and I’m taking all the meds they give me.
I can’t help but compare it to my vaginal delivery and wish I had been able to have another one.
Crucianize 